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for musesfool's lyrics challenge I am lost, I'm no guide
There are things he doesn't know how to do. Breathe, he can breathe, and he can eat when food is put in front of him, which Molly sees to, and he can read Harry's letters, and he can feed Buckbeak and not break things or drink too much or strangle Severus Snape with his bare hands. He can read, except he doesn't, he just stares at pages and traces over the ink with his fingers and doesn't look at the picture of Mrs. Black on his wall. He moved her there after she went silent, after Phineas Nigellus ran through the house calling, first floor, second, third, attic, painting upon painting, and Mrs. Black didn't believe him and yelled at Remus "BLOOD TRAITOR WEREWOLF HALF-BLOOD CATAMITE SCUM" and a 6-year-old Sirius tugged on her skirt and said "Mummy, what's a catmite?" and shocked them all into silence, even Mrs. Black. It was all too easy to take her off the wall then. He wanted to throw her in the attic, with the picture of Sirius at 6, and the picture of Sirius at 14, and the picture of Andromeda he gave to Tonks, and the picture of Sirius' uncle Alphie, whom he met once when he was 12, and the pictures of all the Blacks ever to disappoint the family, the Blacks who could be burnt from the tree and obliterated from record books and kept from prying eyes of strangers, but who could never be thrown out entirely because this house never lets anyone leave. He hung her on his wall, instead. She ignores him, rocking the 6-year-old boy (the baby portrait of Regulus, he noticed, prefers to play with a stuffed dragon under the legs of Mr. Black's desk, where Mr. Black works on things that have no bearing the in real world and never will, and occasionally pets his youngest on the head and calls him "good lad." The 11-year-old Regulus found several similarly-aged cousins and plays with them. He didn't live long enough for an adult portrait to be painted.) Sirius seems to like the attention, though to be fair it's probably the first and only time he's received a pure outpouring of love and affection from the woman he calls "Mummy." Remus he doesn't know what to make of, which is fair, since Remus doesn't know what to make of him, either. Remus doesn't know what to make of any of it, except that on one wall he has Madonna and child, and on the other a 14-year-old Adonis who peers at him intently and asks if he's alright, he's looking awfully peaked, and who didn't recognize him at first because "everyone's mirror-imaged, Moony. It's all wrong." He doesn't mention that there are worse things in the world than backwards features and middle age. This Sirius wouldn't understand, even if he did. * * * He picks Harry up August 1st and doesn't flinch when the son of his closest friend calls him "Professor Lupin." It doesn't take Harry long to find the portraits (Remus suspects Phineas of telling him), though, and soon he falls into the habit of using "Moony." He also falls into the habit of sitting on Remus' floor and chatting with Sirius all day long. Remus, who had spelled the 14-year-old boy silent so he could not-work, so he could stare in peace out the window or at his books or at his bed-linens, escapes downstairs to the library. It is Ginny's favorite haunt, being the only place she will never find a brother (or, oddly enough, Hermione, who has taken to haunting Ron and Harry's room) but Ginny, like Remus, is silent. When he first arrived at Hogwarts her second year, he was warned in staff meetings to look out for her, that she was susceptible, that she was lonely and quiet and shy. The next week Severus said she had asked him for Occlumency lessons, and Minerva, beside him, relaxed a little. Ginny grew cheerier throughout the year, presumably as a reaction to feeling safe in her own skin, and as she grew happier she grew more exuberant. Last summer, even when Sirius was missing Harry desperately and was angry and claustrophobic and hurting, Ginny could make him laugh. This summer, she curls up on the couch and writes letters she isn't allowed to mail and every time she looks at Ron she pales beneath her freckles and turns away. Like everyone but Molly, Remus pretends he doesn't notice. She cannot be a child forever. Anyway, Remus is good at ignoring things. * * * He goes upstairs the night of the full moon, locks the door as always. Mrs. Black has taken young Sirius someplace else for the evening (the boy was making noises about seeing Regulus, of all things. Sirius at Hogwarts never seemed to like his younger brother, but then, Sirius at Hogwarts was good at hiding his family life, and Remus has never had a younger brother to hate and love.) 14-year-old Sirius has transformed into Padfoot, albeit it a smaller, flatter, puppy version--he remembers this so well, the over large paws and big eyes and eager panting and James' joke about big feet, and the agony hits him as always, and then he becomes everything he hates most. And then the door opens. It shouldn't, he locked it, and everyone knows not to come in, knows there could be a problem, not because Severus would screw up the potion on purpose, not even Severus (especially not Severus, who saw him without the Wolfsbane), but because Severus is tired these days, and things can be missed so easily. It is Harry, unmistakably Harry, because the stag is too young to be Prongs despite the resemblance, and anyway his eyes are green and there are patches around his eyes, like glasses. It is Harry, and beside him. A wolf? A wolf with reddish fur and brown eyes and she's small (and he knows she's a she, he knows, he's a wolf himself) and Harry kicks the door shut and Moony who has never been good at controlling emotions licks his face. Ginny (it has to be Ginny, Ginny who has been silent since Sirius died, Ginny who holed up with textbooks and read and read and who won't let her mother keep her from knowing what's happening, from being involved) whimpers, and nuzzles close to him, and up on the wall Padfoot barks. He wants Prongs. He wants James and he wants Sirius in 3 dimensions and Padfoot at his side and a Peter he didn't want to kill and Wormtail running between his paws and he nuzzles Ginny back and memorizes Harry's scent, packnotprey, and before he falls he asleep he works on the lecture he'll give them about dangerous transformations and breaking the law. In the end he tells Harry, "you're not your father," and Harry tells him, "neither are you." "Well. At least call me Remus, both of you." Harry, who has never once initiated contact, hugs him hard. Ginny's wide smile is breath-taking. He follows them downstairs to breakfast, despite the exhaustion of the change. Molly has pancakes waiting, and a glass of orange juice.
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