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Fade in on... A Video Game On A Computer Screen
Cut to: The Kid
Petunia: Is Mummy's Ickle Diddykins feeling any better? Dudley: I want another chocolate shake. Petunia: Diddly-Widdly knows the doctor said... Dudley: I WANT ANOTHER CHOCOLATE SHAKE! Petunia: Guess what, Diddyums? Dudley: I can have another chocolate shake? Petunia: Your father's home. Dudley: I WANT ANOTHER CHOCOLATE SHAKE! Petunia: [ignoring him] AND, he's decided to read you a story, to keep Mummy's sweet boy happy. Dudley: Are you bloody hard of hearing, woman? Get me a bleeding chocolate milkshake! Vernon: [entering, and laying on the charm] Now, Dudley, I have a much *better* present than a *milkshake*. Dudley: [flatly] A book. Vernon: That's right. This is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and today, I'm going to read it to you. Dudley: How about you just get me a chocolate shake and we call it even? Vernon: I'm reading the god-damned book, boy. Dudley: Has it got any sports in it? Vernon: Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. [turns to the camera] Miracles? MIRACLES? You want me to read a -- I'm not having this book in my house. This book is leaving my house. There will be none of THAT in MY HOUSE. Vernon chucks the book out the window. Immediately, an owl swoops in and drops another copy in his lap. Vernon glares, chucks it again and closes the window. cut to Outside,
cut to Dudley's room.
Vernon: Alright already! I'll ruddy well read the damn thing. [opens a copy] The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. What kind of name is that, I ask yo-- An owl taps threateningly on the windowpane, and Vernon clears his throat. Chapter One. Ginny was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin Dissolve to:
Vernon: [off-screen]: Her favorite pastimes were riding her basilisk -- BASILISK? Not more of -- all right! all right! stop pecking me! -- and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Draco, but she never called him that. Dudley: [off-screen] Wonderful story, Dad. Vernon: [off-screen] Quiet, you. Nothing gave Ginny as much pleasure as ordering Draco around. Cut to:
Ginny is standing, holding the reins of her basilisk, while in the background, Draco, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Ginny is in her late teens; doesn't care much about clothes and she hates brushing her long hair, so she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's still probably the most beautiful woman in the world. Ginny: [giggling] Farm boy. Polish my basilisk. I want to see my face shining in his scales by morning. Draco: Quit calling me that, Weaslette. Ginny: That's NOT what you're supposed to say. Farm boy. Draco: I'm not answering to "Farm Boy", and I'm not getting ordered around by a poor little mudblood-loving, red-headed disgrace to the name of wizard! Ginny: Just polish the bloody serpent! [storms off] Draco is about a year older than Ginny, and as handsome as she is beautiful. He watches her as she walks away. Draco: Bitch. Vernon: [off-screen] "As you wish" was all he ever said to her. Dudley: Since when? Dissolve to: Draco, outside,
Ginny: Farm Boy. Fill these with water. Draco: What's the magic word? Ginny: NOW, Malfoy. Draco: Actually, "now" is imbued with very little magic properties. Ginny: And yet, if I point my wand at you and say now, I'm quite sure I can get you to do whatever I bloody well want. Draco: Bitch. Ginny exits. Draco's eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him. Vernon: [off-screen] That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you." Dudley: [off-screen] What if Mum made a chocolate shake for you, as well? Dissolve to:
Draco enters, floating firewood before him. Vernon: [off-screen] And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back. Ginny: [pointing to a pile of grapes on the table] Slave-boy, feed me those grapes, one at a time. Pre-peeled. Draco points his wand at the grapes, muttering under his breath. The skin dissolves away, and he floats individual grapes over to Ginny. Draco: Bitch. [He turns, moves outside.] Dissolve to:
They are locked in a passionate kiss. Dudley [off-screen], Draco, and Ginny: WHAT? cut to:
Dudley: What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book? Where's my chocolate shake? Vernon: Wait, just wait. Dudley: I don't want to wait. I *want* a *chocolate* *shake*! Vernon: The sooner we finish this book, the sooner you can have your bloody milkshake. [reading again] Draco had no money -- Draco: [off-screen] WHAT? Vernon: DRACO HAD NO MONEY. For marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. Cut to:
They stand near the gate to the Burrow, glaring at each other. Vernon: [off-screen] It was a very emotional time for Ginny. Dudley: [off-screen] I don't be-leeve this. Ginny: I hope I'll never see you again. Draco: I should bloody well think you won't. Ginny: Ooh! Maybe something bad will happen to you! Draco: Hear this now. I will come for you. When pigs don't fly. Ginny: Oh, fuck off already. Draco: Ta, then. They lean towards each other, about to kiss, then pull back, horrified, and glare at the camera. Draco stalks away. Ginny watches him go, cheering under her breath. Vernon: [off-screen] Draco didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pir -- Auror Moody, who never left captives alive. When Ginny got the news that Draco was murdered -- Dudley: [perking up a little] -- murdered by pirat --er, aurors -- is pretty good -- Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] She went into room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate. Ginny: [stilted] Hic! I will -- hic! -- never love again. Hold on her face Her lips twitch, as she tries to convey sadness for the death of Draco. After a minute, she gives and cracks up, giggling helplessly and singing softly "ding dong, the Malfoy's dead..." Dissolve to: Florin Castle -- day The main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace. Vernon: [off-screen] Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Voldemort's bride-to be Cut to Prince Voldemort, a man of incredible power and bearing, standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an old couple with pointed hats , the aging King Albus and Queen Minerva, and a short, balding, shaking man with a silver hand. This is Count Wormtail. Voldemort: [raises his hands, starts to speak] My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a poor, ratty Count Wormtail coughs who was once a commoner like yourselves -- [pauses] -- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her? Crowd: Yeah, okay. Cut to: A giant staircase leading to the crowd
Cut to: The crowd, as they see the figure, and collectively hold their breath, Cut to:
Voldemort: My people... the Princess Ginny! She descends the stairs and starts to move among the people. Voldemort waves his wand while no one is looking and whispers "imperio", and the crowd suddenly kneels. Ginny is terribly moved. She stands immobile among her subjects, blinking back tears. Hold on her beauty for a moment. Vernon: [off-screen] Ginny's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Voldemort the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] Despite Voldemort's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride. Cut to:
Voice: A word, my lady? Cut to:
Snape: [whom we now recognize as the voice] Alone, Miss Weasley? Tut tut. Ginny: [not realizing he's deviated from the script] There is nothing nearby; not for -- what? Snape: [rolls his eyes] Salazar spare me from Gryffindors and bad acting. He nods to the giant, Hagrid. Hagrid: Yes, Professor? Snape: Get the girl, you idiot. Hagrid: But, er, Prof-- Snape: Look. It says in the script you knock her unconscious. Now, are you going to do what the script tells you, or do we have to send you back to Azkaban? Hagrid: Sorry, Ginny. He reaches over and presses a nerve in her neck. Hagrid: [to Harry] That's the won'erful thing 'bout 'umans, 'Arry, if yeh know which nerve to -- cut to
A sailboat is moored. It's dusk now, shadows are long. Harry, grumbling under his breath as Snape glares at him, readies the boat. Cut to
Snapes rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucks them along the saddle of Ginny's basilisk. There is about the entire operation a sense of tremendous skill and precision. Hagrid: What's that yeh're rippin', Professor? Snape: [not stopping or turning] It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder Hagrid: Who's Guilder? Snape: [pointing straight out] The country across the sea. [slaps the basilisk's side] Go! The basilisk takes off. They start for the boat. Snape: Once the basilisk reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be confirmed. I only mention this because Gryffindors are too dense to be able to understand so brilliant a plan all on their own. Hagrid: Yeh never said anythin' 'bout killin' anyone. Snape climbs onto the boat. Snape: I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition. Hagrid: I jes don' think it's right, killin' an innocent girl. Snape: [whirling on Hagrid] Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass. Harry: I agree with Hagrid. Cut to:
Snape: Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to her is not your concern, Potter. I *will* kill her. [louder] And remember this. NEVER forget this -- cut to: >br>Harry and Hagrid, as Snape advances on them. Nothing shows on Harry's face, but Hagrid is clearly panicked by Snape. Snape: FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! He glares at them, then turns and sweeps to the other end of the boat, robes billowing behind him. Harry: [under his breath] Oh, like *that*'s anything new... He moves closer to Hagrid, who looks to be on the verge of tears. Harry: [softly, emphasis on the last word] That Snape, he can fuss. Hagrid: [looking at Harry] fuss... fuss... [suddenly he gets it; he also emphasizes the last word] I think he likes to scream at us. Harry: Probably he means no harm -- what? Of course he does. Greasy git. Hagrid: [over Harry] He's really very short on charm. Harry: [proudly] You've got a great gift for rhyme. Hagrid: Yes, some of the time. Snape: [whirling on them] Enough of that. As they sail off, we hear their voices as the boat recedes Harry: Hagrid, are there rocks ahead? Hagrid: If there are, we'll all be dead! Snape: No more rhymes now, I mean it. Hagrid: Anybody want a peanut? Snape: 20 points from Gryffindor! Dissolve to:
Harry is at the helm, Hagrid stands near the body of the princess, whose eyelids flutter slightly -- or do they? Snape sits motionless. The waves are higher, there are only occasional flashes of moon slanting down between clouds. Snape: [to Harry] We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn. Harry nods, glances back. Snape: Why are you doing that? Harry: Making sure nobody's following us. Snape: That would be inconceivable. Ginny: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all Crucio'd to death. Snape turns a cold eye on the Princess. Snape: Of all the necks on this boat, Miss Weasley, the one you should be worrying about is your own. Harry keeps staring behind them. Snape: Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over- Harry: You're sure nobody's following us? Snape: As I told you, Mr. Potter, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask? Harry: [smirking] No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there. Snape: What? And suddenly the three whirl, stare back and as they do -- cut to:
It's hard to see; the moon is behind clouds now. But the wind whistles. And the waves pound. And suddenly it's all gone ominous. Cut to:
Cut to:
And there's still nothing to be seen. It's still ominous. Only now it's eerie too. Then -- The moon slips through and -- Harry was right -- something is very much there. A sailboat. Black. With a great billowing sail. Black. It's a good distance behind them, but it's coming like hell, closing the gap. cut to:
Snape: Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters. [pauses] That is, without a doubt, one of the most idiotic things I have ever had the displeasure of being forced to utter. Of all the -- And now as a sound comes from their boat they turn as we cut to:
cut to:
Snape: Go in, get after her! Harry: You honestly think those Muggles I call family taught me to *swim*? Hagrid: [to the unasked question] I only dog paddle. Snape: Veer left. Left. Left! Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: Do you know what that sound is, Miss Weasley? Those are the Shrieking Eels -- if you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh. Hagrid: The trick to Shrieking Eels is-- Snape: Shut UP. Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the Eels. Cut to:
She's scared, sure, petrified, who wouldn't be, but she makes no reply -- -- and now a shrieking eel has zeroed in on her -- -- and now she sees it, a short distance away, circling, starting to close -- -- and Ginny slowly reaches for her wand, muttering "petrificus totalis" under her breath -- -- and the Eel slithers closer, closer -- -- and Ginny knows it's now or never -- -- and now the Eel opens its mouth wide, and it's never made such a noise, and as its great jaws are about to clamp down -- Vernon: [off-screen] No eating! cut to:
Dudley looks the same, fat and weak. As his dad looks up from the book, he hastily stuffs a pack of cookies under his pillow, and swallows. Dudley: What? Vernon: Give me the cookies. Dudley: Give me a chocolate shake. Vernon: Dudley, hand over the cookies now or you'll meet a Smelting Stick like you never have before. Dudley: [grumbles] Vernon: Shut up and listen to this book before the bloody birds come back. [reading] Do you know what that sound is, Miss Weasley? Cut to:
We're back in the boat. Snape: Those are the Shrieking Eels. Dudley: [off-screen] You already read that part, Dad. Vernon: Good catch. cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then - And we're back where we were at the last moment we saw her, Ginny with wand out, the Shrieking Eel, jaws wide, about to clamp down as we Cut to:
Pull back to reveal:
Hagrid: Worse 'n Dennis Creevey, you are. Snape: Just dump her. Cut to:
Harry: I think he's getting closer. Snape: [mutters something, and ropes shoot from his want, tying Ginny's hands together] He's no concern of ours. Sail on! [to Ginny] I suppose you think you're *brave*, don't you. Ginny: [glaring at him] Compared to some, yeah. Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor. Dissolve to:
Harry: Look! He's right on top of us! Snape: Whoever he is, he's too late. [points ahead of them] See? The Cliffs of Insanity. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: Hurry up. Move the thing! Um ... that other thing. Move it! [stares back] We're safe -- only Hagrid is stupid -- er. strong enough to go up our way -- he'll have to sail around for hours until he finds a harbor. There is much activity going on, all of it swift, expert, economical. Hagrid reaches up along the Cliff face, grabs a jutting rock, reaches behind it. Suddenly there is a thick rope in his hands. He drops back to the boat, gives the rope a freeing swing and Cut to:
The rope goes all the way to the top. Harry hurrys to Hagrid. He straps a harness to him, then lifts Ginny and Snape in the harness. Finally, he himself gets in the harness. All three are strapped to Hagrid like papooses. And he starts to ascend the rope, carrying them all along with him as he goes. Cut to:
Cut to:
Hagrid's group is only faintly visible far below. This is the first time we've gotten the real vertigo feeling and it's a gasper. Cut to:
Cut to:
Hagrid is moving right along; however high they are, he's already over a third of the way done. Cut to:
Cut to:
Harry: [looking down] He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us. Snape: Inconceivable! He prods Hagrid, who nods, increases his pace. Cut to:
Cut to:
-- and The Man in Black is cutting deeply into Hagrid's lead. Cut to:
Snape: [shrieking] Faster! Hagrid: I thought I was going faster. Snape: You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains. Hagrid: Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself. Snape: [cutting through] -- I do not accept excuses. [shakes his head] I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all. Hagrid: [hurt] Don' say that, Professor, please? And his arms begin moving much more quickly. Cut to:
His arms still work as before. If anything, he has speeded up. Hagrid's lead is smaller and smaller Cut to:
Maybe a hundred feet for Hagrid to go. Maybe more. Cut to:
Snape: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake? Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape leaps off and takes out a knife, begins to cut the rope which is tied around a great rock while Harry helps the Princess to her feet and Hagrid just stands around, waiting for someone to tell him to do something. Nearby are some stone ruins. Once they might have been a fort, now the kind of resemble Stonehenge. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Hagrid: [to Harry -- impressed] 'E 'as very good arms. Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!! Harry: [whirling on Snape] Stop saying that word! You have *no* *clue* what it means, and it's driving me crazy! [looks back over the cliff] Hey! He's climbing. Good for him. Maybe he'll come slit your slimy throat. Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die. [to Hagrid] You, carry her. [to Harry] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword. Harry nods. Harry: I want to duel him left-handed. Snape: Always showing off, eh Potter? Harry: [shrugs] What can I say? I'm bored. Snape: [turns abruptly, starts off-screen] Oh, have it your way. Cut to:
Cut to:
Hagrid: You be careful, now 'Arry. [gravely] -- people in masks cannot be trusted. Slytherins an' Death Eaters, the lot o' them. Snape: [calling out] I'm waiting! Hagrid nods, hurries after Snape. Cut to:
He watches them depart, then turns, peers down over the Cliffs. He watches a moment, then paces, shaking his hands loose. He practices a few of his honed fencing skills. He is a taut and nervous fellow, and has never been one for waiting around. Cut to:
climbing on. He must be six inches closer to the top than when last we saw him. Harry is watching. Cut to:
Harry: [hollering down] Hello there. The Man in Black glances up, kind of grunts. Harry: Slow going? Man in Black: Look, I don't mean to be rude -- no, wait. That's exactly what I mean. This is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you would shut up and let me get on with it. Prat. Harry: Sorry. Man in Black: Do you not understand the meaning of the word shut up? Harry: That's two words. Man in Black: Here's two more: Fuck. Off. Harry steps away, draws his sword (which once belonged to Godric Gryffindor), loosens up with a few perfect thrusts. Then resheathes and looks eagerly over the edge again. Harry: I don't suppose you could speed things up? Man in Black: [with some heat] If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a broom, or find something useful to do. Harry: I could do that. In fact, I've got a Firebolt up here. But I don't think that you'll accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. Man in Black: How do the Muggles put it? DUH. (He finds another hold a few inches higher) Harry: But I promise I won't kill you until you reach the top. Man in Black: And I'm supposed to trust that? Do I look like a Hufflepuff? Harry: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Gryffindor. Man in Black: No good. I've known too many Gryffindors. And he just hangs there in space, resting, gathering his strength. Harry: You don't know any way you'll trust me? Man in Black: Nothing comes to mind. And on these words, CAMERA ZOOMS into a CLOSE UP on Harry. He raises his right hand high, his eyes blaze, and his voice takes on a tone we have not heard before. Harry: I swear on the soul of my father, James Potter, you will reach the top alive. Cut to:
There is a pause. Then, quietly: Man in Black: Yeah, right. Harry: No, really. Here. Cut to:
He points his wind at a broomstick and mutters "wingardium leviosa." Cut to:
as his grip loosens a moment, trying to cling to the side of the cliff. Cut to:
Cut to:
It hangs close to The Man in Black. He releases the rocks, climbs on, hangs helplessly in space a moment, then looks up at Harry and -- Cut to:
lifting the spell, so The Man in Black can control the broomstick. Cut to:
rising through the early morning light, slowly, steadily, and as the cliff top at last comes within reach -- Cut to:
Man in Black: Thank you. I always appreciate the help of idiots. [pulling his sword] Harry: We'll wait until you're ready. Man in Black: [smirks] Again. Thank you. The Man in Black sits to rest on the boulder that once held the rope. He tugs off his leather boots and is amazed to see several large rocks tumble out. The Man in Black wears gloves. Harry stares at them. Harry: Not to pry or anything, but I don't suppose your right hand is silver? The Man in Black glances up -- the question clearly baffles him. Man in Black: Do you always begin conversations this way? Harry: My father was betrayed by a silver-handed man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the silver-handed man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done. He hands his sword to The Man in Black. Man in Black: [snorts] Bloody flashy thing, if you ask me. Cut to:
Even now, this still brings pain. Harry: The silver-handed man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the silver-handed man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel ... I failed ... the silver-handed man did leave me alive with this sword, but because of him, I have this. He touches his scar. Cut to:
Man in Black: Ugly thing, isn't it. Harry: [ignoring him] I was one year old. Man in Black: When you fought a duel. Harry: Look, are you going to argue over everything, or let me get this speech over so we can start fighting? Man in Black: [waves his hand] Soliloquize away. Harry: I was one year old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the silver-handed man and say, "Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Man in Black: You've done nothing but study swordplay? Harry: More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Snape to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge. Man in Black: [handing back the great sword, starting to rise] Ugly *and* poor. Sucks to be you. Harry: You are ready, then? Man in Black: Better than listening to you drone on. Harry: You seem like an asshole. I'm gonna love killing you. Man in Black: [walking away a few paces, unsheathing his sword] You seem like an asshole. I'm gonna love watching you die. Harry: Begin! And on that word -- Cut to:
And what we are starting now is one of the two greatest sword fights in modern movies (the other one happens later on), and right from the beginning it looks different. Because they aren't close to each other -- none of the swords-crossing "en garde" garbage. No, what we have here is two men, two athletes, and they look to be too faraway to damage each other, but each time one makes even the tiniest feint, the other counters, and there is silence, and as they start to circle -- Cut to:
Cut to:
Their swords cross, then again, again, and the sound comes so fast it's almost continual. Harry presses on, The Man in Black retreating up a rocky incline. Harry: [thrilled] You're using Bonetti's defense against me, ah? Man in Black: Uh, yeah. Sure. Harry: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro -- And he shifts his style now. Man in Black: [coping as best he can] Whatever. [suddenly shifting again] Won't you just die already? The Man in Black is now perched at the edge of the elevated castle ruin. No where to go, he jumps to the sand. Harry stares down at him. Harry: You first. And now, with the grace of an Olympian, Harry flies off the perch, somersaults clean over The Man in Black's head, and lands facing his opponent. Harry: Asshole. The two men are almost flying across the rocky terrain, never losing balance, never coming close to stumbling; the battle rages with incredible finesse, first one and then the other gaining the advantage, and by now, it's clear that this isn't just two athletes going at it, it's a lot more that that. This is two legendary swashbucklers and they're in their prime, it's Burt Lancaster in "The Crimson Pirate" battling Errol Flynn in "Robin Hood" and then, incredibly, the action begins going even faster than before as we Cut to:
And behind him now, drawing closer all the time, is the deadly edge of the Cliffs of Insanity. Harry fights and ducks and feints and slashes and it all works, but not for long, as gradually The Man in Black keeps the advantage, keeps forcing Harry back, closer and closer to death. Harry: You're pretty decent. Man in Black: Decent. DECENT? How about effing AWESOME. How about THAT? The Cliff edge is very close now. Harry is continually being forced toward it. Harry: I admit it -- you're better 'n me. Man in Black: Then why are you smiling? Are you stupid or something? Oh wait, you are. Inches from defeat, Harry is, in fact, all smiles. Harry: [smugly] I'm smiling because I know something you don't know. Man in Black: Nanny-nanny-poo-poo? Harry: I am not left-handed. And he throws Godric Gryffindor's sword into his right hand and immediately, the tide of battle turns. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Man in Black: Shit. Harry: I ought to be pretty good after twenty years, you pillock. And now The Man in Black is smashed into a stone pillar, pinned there under Gryffindor's sword. Man in Black: I know something you don't know. Harry: Nanny-nanny-poo-poo? Man in Black: No. Well, yes. But also, I am not left-handed either. And now he changes hands, and at last, the battle is fully joined. Cut to:
And to his amazement, he is being forced back down the steps. He tries one style, another, but it all comes down to the same thing -- The Man in Black seems to be in control. And before Harry knows it, Gryffindor's sword is knocked clear out of his hand. Harry retreats, dives from the stairs to a moss-covered bar suspended over the archway. He swings out, lands, and scrambles to his sword and we Cut to:
Cut to:
Harry: Who are you?! Man in Black: Wouldn't you like to know? Harry: Well, yeah. That's why I asked. Man in Black: Get used to disappointment. Harry: Okay. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
On it goes, back and forth across the rocky terrain, Harry's feet moving with the grace and speed of a great improvisational dancer. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Harry: Kill me quickly. Man in Black: No. I prefer a long, drawn-out, painfuld death. Sadly, there's no time for that now... And he dunks Harry's head with his heavy sword handle. Harry pitches forward unconscious. Man in Black: but I'm sure I'll get back you eventually. He grabs his scabbard and takes off after the Princess and we Cut to:
Snape: Inconceivable! Pull back to reveal
Snape: Give her to me. [grabs Ginny starts off] Catch up with us quickly. Hagrid: [starting to panic] What do I do? Snape: Finish him, finish him. Your way. Hagrid: Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Professor. [little pause] Which way is my way? Cut to:
Snape: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock! As Snape and Ginny hurry away. Hagrid: [little frown; softly] My way's not very sportsmanlike. He grabs one of the rocks and plods behind the boulder and we -- Dissolve to:
Satisfied by the silence, he starts forward again and as he rounds the bend -- a rock flies into the frame, shattering on a boulder inches in front of him. Cut to:
Hagrid: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss. Man in Black: I believe you -- So what happens now? Hagrid: We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. Man in Black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people? Hagrid: [gently] I could kill you now. He gets set to throw, but The Man in Black shakes his head, takes off his sword and scabard, begins the approach toward the Giant. Man in Black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. Hagrid: It's no' my fault being the biggest an' the strongest. I don' even exercise. He flips the rock away. Man in Black: [drawing a wand from his sleeve] Stupefy! Hagrid falls. Man in Black: Idiot. Cut to:
Count Wormtail mounted, watches. Behind him, half a dozen armed Death Eaters, also mounted. A great white horse waits riderless in front. Voldemort is all over the rocky ground, and maybe he isn't the best hunter in the world. Then again, maybe he is. Because, as he begins to put his feet into strange positions, we realize that what he is doing is miming the fencers. Voldemort: There was a duel -- it ranged all over. They were both masters. Wormtail: Who won, my Lord? How did it end? Voldemort: [looking down in the position where Harry fell unconscious] The loser ran off alone. [points in the direction Snape and Hagrid took] The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder! Wormtail: Shall we track them both, my Lord? Voldemort: The loser is nothing. -- Only the Princess matters --[to the armed death eaters] -- clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead. Wormtail: Could this be a trap? Voldemort: [vaulting onto his horse] I always think everything could be a trap -- Which is why I'm still alive. And he gallops off -- Cut to:
Cut to:
A picnic spread is laid out. A tablecloth, two goblets and between them, a small leather wine container. And some cheese and a couple of apples. The picnic is set on a lovely spot, high on the edge of a mountain path with a view all the way back to the sea. The Man in Black comes running around the path, sees Snape, slows. The two men study each other. Then -- Snape: So, it is down to you. And it is down to me. The Man in Black nods and comes nearer -- Snape: If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward. And he pushes his wand harder against Ginny's unprotected throat. Man in Black: [brightens] Really? Snape: Just follow the script. Man in Black: [dangerously close to whining] But Professor Snape: Do it! Man in Black: [stilted] Let me explain -- Snape: -- there's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen. Man in Black: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached. Snape: There will be no arrangement -- [deliberate] -- and you're killing her! Cut to:
Cut to: The Man in Black: [mutters] I wish. Snape glares. Man in Black: [returning to the script] But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse. Snape: I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains. Man in Black: Oh, whatever. Snape: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Man in Black: Muggles, right? Snape: Morons. Man in Black: In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits. Snape: For the Princess? The Man in Black nods. Snape: To the death? Another nod. Snape: I accept. Man in Black: Good. Then pour the wine. As Snape fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, The Man in Black pulls a small packet from his clothing, handing it to him. Man in Black: Inhale this, but do not touch. Snape: [doing it] I smell nothing. Man in Black: [taking the packet back] What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man. Snape: You only know that because I taught it to you. Man in Black: What happened to following the script? Snape: Carry on. Cut to:
The Man in Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Snape, the other in front of himself. Man in Black: All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead. Snape: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? He studies The Man in Black now. Snape: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have Counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man in Black: [And now there's a trace of nervousness beginning] You've made your decision then? Snape: Not remotely, you silly boy. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. Man in Black: [sarcastically] Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Snape: [snaps] Wait till I get going! Where was I? Man in Black: Australia. Snape: Yes -- Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, since I TAUGHT YOU ITS USES so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Man in Black: [rolls his eyes] You're just stalling now. Snape: [cackling] You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? [stares at The Man in Black] You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested Potter which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. As Snape's pleasure has been growing throughout, The Man in Black's has been fast disappearing. Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- it won't work -- Snape: [triumphant] It has worked, idiot -- you've given everything away -- I know where the poison is. Man in Black: Then make your choice. Snape: I will. And I choose -- And suddenly he stops, points at something behind The Man in Black. Snape: -- what in the world can that be? Cut to:
Man in Black: What? Where? I don't see anything. Cut to:
Snape: Oh, well, I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. The Man in Black turns to face him again. Snape starts to laugh. Man in Black: What's so funny? Snape: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours. And he picks up his goblet. The Man in Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to drink, Snape hesitates a moment. Then, allowing The Man in Black to drink first, he swallows his wine. Man in Black: You guessed wrong. Snape: [cackles] You only think I guessed wrong -- that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool. Cut to:
Cut to:
Snape: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Potions Master when death is on the line." He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite frighteningly cheery until he falls over dead. Cut to:
The Man in Black pulls her to her feet. Ginny: Who are you? Man in Black: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know. He starts to lead her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain. Ginny: [a final glance back toward Snape] To think -- all that time it was your cup that was poisoned. Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder. [grins] Snape is just an idiot. And with that, he takes off, dragging her behind him. Cut to:
It's where Hagrid fought The Man in Black. Camera pulls back to reveal the Prince, kneeling, inspecting every grain of misplaced sand. The others wait behind him. Voldemort: Someone has beaten a giant! [roaring] There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies. He leaps onto his horse and they charge off. Cut to:
The Man in Black comes running into view, still dragging Ginny, who sometimes stumbles, but he keeps forcing her along. Finally, when she is close to exhaustion, he lets go of her. Man in Black: [his voice harsh now, carrying the promise of violence] Catch your breath. Ginny: If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you... Man in Black: And what is that worth, the promise of a Weasley? You're very funny, Highness. Ginny: I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Prince Voldemort. He could track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you. Man in Black: You think your dearest love will save you? Ginny: I never said he was my dearest love. But Tom will always come for me. That I know. Man in Black: You admit to me you do not love your fiance? Ginny: He knows I do not love him. Great, ugly, red-eyed white-skinned freak. Man in Black: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean. Ginny: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream. And the Man in Black cocks back a fist. Ginny flinches, but does not retreat. Man in Black: That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own. For where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies. Cut to:
The picnic is spread as before. Camera pulls back to reveal the Prince kneeling by the body as the others ride up. The Prince grabs the empty poison packet, hands it to Wormtail, after first sniffing it himself. Voldemort: Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. [laughs] Of course, I'm immortal. [gestures to the trail ahead] And there are the Princess's footprints. She is alive ... or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out. And as he vaults onto his horse and the all charge off -- Cut to:
Man in Black: Rest, Highness. Ginny: [stares at him] I know who you are -- your cruelty reveals everything. The Man in Black says nothing. Ginny: You're the Dread Auror Moody; admit it. Man in Black: With pride. What can I do for you? Ginny: You killed Draco Malfoy. [grins] Thanks. Cut to:
Man in Black: It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another Prince, like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby? Ginny: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. Man in Black: I am NOT POOR -- I mean. Carry on. Ginny: On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Auror Moody never takes prisoners. Man in Black: [explaining as a teacher might] I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that an auror has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time. Ginny: You mock me? Man in Black: It's so easy. [grins] Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this [coughs] farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago? Ginny nods. Man in Black: Does it bother you to hear? Ginny: Didn't I just thank you for it? Nothing you can say will upset me. Man in Black: He died well, that should please you. Ginny: Fucker -- Man in Black: [over her] No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "This bitch I need to get back to kill," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and stupidity. I can only assume he meant you. Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your Prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead? Ginny: You mocked me once, never do it again! The Man in Black is about to reply as they stand there on the edge of the sheer ravine. But then something catches his attention and as he stares at it briefly, Cut to:
The dust cloud caused by Voldemort's horses is rising up into the sky. Cut to:
Ginny: You can die too, for all I care!! Cut to:
Cut to:
There is a long pause. She stands there, alone, as from far below the words come to ber, drifting on the wind -- Man in Black: Bitch! Ginny: Draco? Shit. She peers over the edge to see if it's really him, and then she too is falling, spinning and twisting, crashing and torn, cartwheeling down toward what is left of Malfoy. Cut to:
Pull back to reveal:
Voldemort: Disapperated. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp. Cut to:
Cut to:
Two bodies lie a few feet apart, not moving. It is, of course, Ginny and Draco. They might be corpses. After a time, Draco slowly forces his body into motion and as he does, Cut to:
Draco: What the fuck did you do that for? Ginny: (weakly stretching out an arm toward him) You're alive. I was hoping to kill you. Draco: I told you, "I would always come for you." Why didn't you wait for me? Ginny: Well ... you were dead. Draco: Death cannot stop true love. Or, in our case, burning hatred. All it can do is delay it for a while. Ginny: I will never doubt again. Draco: There will never be a need. And now, they begin to kiss; it's a tender kiss, tender and loving and gentle and -- Dudley [off-screen], Draco and Ginny: Oh no. No, please. Cut to:
Vernon: What is it? What's the matter? Dudley: I can't take them snogging without having a chocolate shake. Vernon: For the last time, you're not getting a shake. Dudley: Skip on to the Fire Swamp -- that sounded good. Vernon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Oh. Okay. Draco and Ginny raced along the ravine floor. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Draco: Ha. Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp. Cut to:
Ginny: We'll never survive. Draco: Nonsense -- you're only saying that because no one ever has. As they race off, leaving Voldemort and his men stranded, defeated. Cut to:
And it really doesn't look any worse than any other moist, sulphurous, infernal horror you might run across. Great trees block the sun. Cut to:
Draco: It's not that bad. I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. You know. If you like great big ugly killer sticks of wood that block out all daylight. A giant spurt of flame leaps up, preceded by a slight popping sound, and this particular spurt of flame misses Draco, but Ginny is suddenly onfire; at least the lower half of her is and -- Cut to:
Draco: Idiot. He examines where the flames burst over her. Draco: Singed a bit, were you? Ginny: [haughtily] No, I was not. No thanks to you. Cut to:
Cut to:
Draco: [to the camera] Look, I'm not exactly a Gryffindor here. Can we keep the acts of altruism to a minimum? Cut to:
It's later now, the sun slants down at a slightly different angle. Draco: [happily] This will all soon be but a fucking awful memory because Moody's ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Moody. Ginny: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago? Draco: Two words: Polyjuice Potion. Ginny, perplexed, is about to reply but the ground she steps on gives way -- it's Lightning Sand -- a great patch of it, and it has her -- a cloud of powder rises and she sinks into the stuff crying Draco's name but then she is gone as we -- Cut to:
Now nothing can be seen. Nothing at all. Just the lightning sand, lovely and lethal. Hold on the lightening sand -- then -- An odd panting sound is heard now. The panting sound is suddenly very loud. And then a giant C.O.U.S. darts into view. The C.O.U.S. -- a Canine of Unusual Size -- is probably about 140 pounds of bone and power. It sniffs around a bit then, as quickly as it has come, it goes. Cut to:
Cut to:
Her face is caked with the white powder. It is in her eyes, her ears, hair, mouth. She's still probably beautiful, but you have to look awfully hard to see it. As Draco continues to pull them to safety -- Cut to:
Cut to:
He hesitates, glances around and Cut to:
Draco stares back at the beast. Ginny is oblivious. Her eyes flutter. He continues to work on her as -- Ginny: Did you just save my life? Draco: [put out] Well, don't go spreading it around. [glances back again] Now there are two C.O.U.S.'s, one looking distinctly werewolf-like. They have inched closer, and stare hungrily. Cut to:
Draco: I mean, what would people say? A Malfoy, helping a Weasley? What are the odds? Ginny: About as good as us getting out of here alive? Draco: Think, Weaselette. What are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were [coughs] clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too. Ginny: Draco, what about the C.O.U.S.'s? Draco: Canines of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist... And as he says that, a C.O.U.S. comes flying at him from off-screen. Cut to:
Ginny: Sirius? The C.O.U.S., Draco pinned underneath it, turns into a tall man. Sirius: Can't talk. Killing scum. Ginny: Sirius, get off him. Sirius: He kissed you. I can smell it. Draco: I didn't *want* to. Ginny: He really didn't. Sirius: [pouting] Can I kill him anyway? Ginny: No, Sirius. Sirius: Fine! Whatever! Hook up with a Malfoy! Ruin your mother's life! I don't care! I'll just hide here in the fucking swamps where no one can find me and arrest me and give me a dementor's kiss, and not kill anybody! He rolls off Draco, turns back into a dog, and runs away. Dissolve to:
Beyond, a beach. Cut to:
Ginny: [almost in disbelief] We did it. Draco: Now, was that so terrible? Wait, what am I saying? It really, really was. Cut to:
Voldemort on his horse, Wormtail beside him. Three Death Eaters, armed and ready, are mounted in formation behind. Ginny and Draco are at the edge of the Fire Swamp, about to leave it. They stop. Ginny looks beyond exhaustion. Draco looks worse. Voldemort: Surrender! It's dusk. Behind Voldemort are the waters of the bay. Cut to:
Draco: Yeah. okay. Ginny: WHAT? Draco: Well, really. Do I *look* like an idiot? Ginny: Yes. Voldemort: I give you full marks for bravery -- don't make yourself a fool. Draco: What are you talking about? I already surrendered? Voldemort: I tell you once again -- surrender! Draco: Are you deaf as well as hideous? I surrender! Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Voldemort: [roaring] For the last time -- SURRENDER! Draco: roaring right back, bigger] I BLOODY WELL DO! TAKE THE DAMN GIRL ALREADY! Cut to:
Cut to:
Ginny: Will you promise not to hurt him? Cut to:
Voldemort: What was that? Cut to:
Draco: What was that? Cut to:
Ginny: Well, Draco did save my life. Kind of. In the swamp. A little. So, if we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man? Voldemort: [right hand high] May I live a thousand years and never hunt again. Ginny: [looks at Draco] He is an auror on the ship "Revenge." Promise to return him to his ship. Voldemort: I swear it will be done. Cut to:
Cut to:
Voldemort: Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair. Wormtail: [almost a smile] I swear it will be done. Cut to:
Draco: Why does he listen to *you*? Ginny: Who knows? Draco: Here's hoping we never meet again. Ginny: Good luck with the whole Polyjuice Thing. Draco: Good luck being the wife of the embodiment of evil. Ginny tries to speak again, can't, and is swooped off her feet onto Voldemort's horse, and off they go. Cut to:
Wormtail: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship. Draco: [snorts] I'm not a Hufflepuff, you know Wormtail: Well spoken, sir -- Draco is looking at him. Wormtail: -- what is it? Draco: You have a silver hand -- someone was looking for you -- Count Wormtail clubs Draco hard across the skull. Draco starts to fall -- the screen goes black. Fade in on:
Dank and chill, underground and windowless, lit by flickering torches. Frightening. Draco lies in the center of the cage, chained and helpless. Cut to:
Dead pale, he silently enters the pit, carrying a tray of food and medication. He puts it down. Draco: Father? Lucius Malfoy: You are no son of mine, you traitorous Weasley-loving -- Draco: Dad, it's called slumming. People do it all the time. Lucius: I suppose it could've been worst. At least she's a pureblood. Draco: And it's not like I *wanted* to kiss her. Lucius: You mean you didn't even get laid? You are truly a disgrace to the name of Malfoy. Draco: Yeah, well. Let me out of here, and I'll make it up to you. Lucius: Right. Because I want Prince Voldemort to kill me instead. Nice try. Draco: It was worth a shot. Lucius: Not really. Draco: So, it's gonna be a nice, clean Avada Kedavra, right? Lucius: [snorts] Draco: Crucio? Lucius: [nods] Draco: I can cope with crucio. From Lucius Malfoy: a shake of the head. Draco: You don't believe me? Lucius Malfoy: You're a Slytherin and a Malfoy. I never believe you. Cut to:
Cut to:
Voldemort: She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. [looks at Wortmail] It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her. Wormtail: Of course, my Lord. As they move on, Cut to:
Camera holds on it while we hear Vernon's voice reading. Vernon: [off-screen] The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Ginny and Voldemort were married. Cut to:
And if we thought it was packed before, we didn't know how many more could fit in this courtyard. Voldemort, Wortmail and the Queen stand high on the balcony. Vernon: [off-screen] And at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen. Voldemort: My father's final words were... Dudley: [off-screen] -- hold it. Hold it, Dad. And the scene FREEZES, Voldemort caught in mid-sentence. Cut to:
Dudley is half sitting now, not strong yet, but clearly stronger than when we first saw him. Dudley: You read that wrong. She doesn't marry Voldemort, she marries Draco. I'm just sure of it. After all that Draco did for her, if she does not marry him, it would be really stupid. Vernon: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. Dudley: I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right! Vernon: Do you want me to go on with this? Dudley: No. I *want* a choc-- Vernon glares at him Dudley: --Yes. Vernon: All right, then. No more interruptions. [starts to read again] ... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen. And on these words, Cut to:
Voldemort: My father's final words were "love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen. Queen Ginny. And on his words, Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Ginny: Why do you do this? Lavender Brown: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up. Ginny: [distraught] For the last time, I DON'T LOVE DRACO MALFOY! Lavender: Your true love lives and you marry another -- [to the crowd] -- True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! She advances on Ginny now, who is more and more panicked. Close-up, Lavender.
Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen, still reading] It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Ginny's nightmares were growing steadily worse. Dudley: [off-screen] See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Voldemort? Vernon: [off-screen] -- yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up. Cut to:
Ginny: It comes to this: it turns out, I love Draco after all. I don't know why, 'cause he's a bloody annoying spoiled prejudiced git, but I do. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning. Cut to:
Voldemort: I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off. [to Wortmail] You returned this Draco to his ship? Wortmail: Yes. Voldemort: Then we will simply alert him. [to Ginny now] Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that aurors are not known to be men of their words. Ginny: My Draco will always come for me. Voldemort: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest owls. One in each direction. The Dread Auror Moody is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll deliver your message. If Draco wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed? And she nods -- Cut to:
The trees are unusual in one respect: all of them are extraordinarily heavily knotted. Pull back to reveal
Wortmail: Your Princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable. Voldemort: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Snape to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I take possession of her body on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war. They are deeper into the grove now. Wortmail is searching around. Wortmail: Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. [Finding the knot on the tree he hits it, and it opens, revealing a staircase leading underground.] Are you coming down into the Pit? Draco's got his strength back. I am starting him on Crucio tonight. Voldemort: Peter, you know how much I love watching you work. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped. Wortmail: Get some rest, my Lord -- if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything. Wortmail smiles and hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place. Cut to:
Wortmail: Wonderful curse, Crucio. It took me half a lifetime to master it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how this makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll only do it for a bit. Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Cut to:
Wortmail: Let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel? AND NOW, AT LAST, Cut to:
Count Wortmail watches the tears, then starts to write. Wortmail: Interesting. Cut to:
Voldemort: Flint. Flint: [bows, then kneels] My Lord. Voldemort: As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night. Flint: My spy network has heard no such news. Cut to:
Ginny: Any word from Draco? Cut to:
Voldemort: Too soon, my angel. Patience. Ginny: He will come for me. Voldemort: Of course. As she glides out, Voldemort: She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested. Flint: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. Voldemort: Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed. Flint: It won't be easy, my Lord. Voldemort: [alone, exhausted] Try ruling the world sometime. Cut to:
A lot of hollering is going on. The Thieves are being rounded up by the Brute Squad, a large group of large men. Flint stands on a wagon in the midst of all the scuffling. Vernon: [off-screen] The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Voldemort's orders. Flint: [to an unpleasant-looking assistant] Is everybody out? Crabbe: Almost. Potter's giving us some trouble. Flint: Well, you give him some trouble. Move! And his wagon starts, and as it does, Cut to:
Harry: I am waiting for you, Snape. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved. He takes a long pull from his brandy bottle. He stops as Crabbe comes into view. Crabbe: Ho there. Harry: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there." [He waves his sword dangerously] Crabbe: But the Prince gave orders -- Harry: -- So did Professor Snape -- when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Snape comes. Crabbe: [gesturing off-screen] You! Brute! Come here. Harry: -- I -- am -- waiting -- for -- Snape -- Voice: [off-screen] You surely are an ape. Harry feels a hand on his back. A huge hand. He compares it to his own smaller hand. Hagrid: Alrigh' there? Harry: It's you. Hagrid: True! And as Crabbe is just about to club Harry's brains out, Hagrid lets fly with a stupendous punch. Crabbe takes the full force of the blow right in the chops. It's like he was shot from a cannon as he careens backwards out of sight across the street. There is a pause. Then a crunching sound, as he clearly has come in contact with something hard and immobile. Hagrid puts Harry down. Hagrid: You don' look so good, 'Arry. [after Harry blasts air in protest] You don' smell so good either. Harry: Perhaps not. I -- hic! -- feel fine. Hagrid: Yeah? And so Hagrid puts Harry down. That's when Harry faints, and as he does, Cut to:
Harry sits slumped in a chair, while Hagrid spoons him some stew. Vernon: [off-screen] Hagrid and Harry were reunited. And as Hagrid nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Harry of Snape's death and the existence of Count Wortmail, the silver-handed man. Considering Harry's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. And he faints again into his stew. Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] Hagrid took great care in reviving Harry. Harry: [up and going] That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Wortmail so I may kill him? Hagrid: He's with the Prince in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men. Harry: How many could you handle? Hagrid: I don't think more than ten. Harry: [doing the math on his fingers, since he never learned it in Wizarding school] That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many. [he sinks sadly down] I need Snape to plan. I have no gift for strategy. Hell, I'm a Gryffindor. My strategy usually consists of barging into dangerous situations at random. Hagrid: But Snapes's dead. Cut to:
Silent and bereft. Then a wild look hits Harry. Harry: No -- not Snape -- I need the Man in Black -- Hagrid: -- what? -- Harry: -- look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Snape, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go -- Hagrid: -- where? Harry: To find the Man in Black, obviously. Hagrid: But you don't know where he is. Harry: [he is possessed by demons now] I'm a Gryffindor. I don't need to bother with silly things like common sense. Cut to:
Harry: [big] There will be blood tonight!! Cut to:
-- strewn with maps, etc. Flint enters, and kneels. Voldemort: [sharpening his dagger] Rise and report. Flint: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate. Voldemort: Double it. My Princess must be safe. Flint: The gate has but one key, and I carry that. He shows the key, dangling from a chain around his neck. Just at that moment, Ginny enters. Voldemort: Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every owl I have waits to accompany us on our honeymoon. Ginny: Every owl but your four fastest, you mean. The Prince looks at her blankly for a moment. Ginny: Every owl but the four you sent. Voldemort: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four. Flint: [bows, exits] Your Majesties. Cut to:
Ginny You never sent the owls. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Draco will come for me anyway. Voldemort: [sharply] You're a silly girl. Ginny: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear. Voldemort: close to erupting; speaks very distinctly] I-would-not-say-such things-if-I- were-you- Ginny: Why not? You can't hurt me. Draco and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth. Cut to:
Voldemort: IWOULDNOTSAYSUCHTHINGSIFIWEREYOU! Cut to:
Cut to:
Voldemort: [at Draco] You truly love each other-- Draco: -- No we don't -- Voldemort: [ignoring him] -- and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. And with that he whirls, unsheathes his wand and -- Cut to:
Wortmail: No, my Lord! But it's too late as we -- Cut to:
Cut to:
The Death Scream. As The Death Scream starts to rise -- Cut to:
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Harry: [instantly] Hagrid, Hagrid, listen, do you hear? -- That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Wortmail slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now. Hagrid: The Man in Black? Harry: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering? [trying to push through] Excuse me -- It's too crowded. Harry: -- pardon me, it's important -- No one budges and the sound is fading faster. Harry: -- Hagrid, please -- Hagrid, gigantic and roaring. Hagrid: Everybody ... MOVE!! And the Crowd begins to fall away, and he and Harry start to track the FADING SOUND. Harry: Thank you. Cut to:
Lucius Malfoy appears wheeling a barrow. Harry's sword pushes at his chest. Harry: Where is the Man in Black? Lucius Malfoy shakes his head, says nothing. Harry: You get there from this grove, yes? (silence) Harry: Hagrid, jog his memory. And Hagrid crunches Lucius Malfoy on the top of the head as if he had a hammer and was driving in a nail. Lucius Malfoy drops without a sound. Hagrid: [upset] I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Harry? Cut to:
Harry: I'm such an idiot. [taps the map with his wand] I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Cut to:
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Hagrid: He's dead. Harry is in despair. For a moment, he just sags. Harry: [barely able to speak] It just is not fair. Dudley: [off-screen] Dad -- Dad -- wait -- Cut to:
He is terribly excited and looks stronger than we've yet seen him. Dudley: -- wait -- what did Hagrid mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead. Vernon says nothing, just sits there Dudley: Draco's only faking, right? Vernon: You want me to read this or not? Cut to:
Dudley: Who gets Voldemort? Vernon: What? Dudley: Who kills Prince Voldemort? At the end, somebody's got to do it. Is it Harry? Who? Vernon: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives. Dudley: You mean he wins? Jesus, Dad! What did you read me this thing for? And he desperately fights for control. Vernon: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now. [starts to get up] Dudley: [shaking his head] No! I'm okay. I'm okay. [gestures toward the chair] -- sit down. All right? Vernon: Okay. [sitting and opening the book again] All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In The Pit of Despair. Cut to:
Harry: Well, we Potters have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Hagrid. Bring the body. Hagrid: The body? Harry: [not stopping] Have you any money? Hagrid: I have a little. Harry: I just hope it's enough to buy a Miracle, that's all. As Hagrid takes the corpse, follows Harry up the stairs -- Cut to:
Harry, Hagrid, Draco approach the door. They knock. Voice: Go away! Harry pounds again. Miracle Ron: [opening a small window in the door] What? What? Harry: Are you the Miracle Ron who worked for the King all those years? Miracle Ron: The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! He shuts the window. They rap on the door. Miracle Ron: [opening the window] Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad. Hagrid: I'm on the Brute Squad. Miracle Ron: [looking at the Giant] You are the Brute Squad. Harry: We need a Miracle. It's very important. Miracle Ron: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to Miracle. Harry: He's already dead. Miracle Ron: for the first time, interested} He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. He unlocks the door and lets them in. Cut to:
Miracle Ron: I've seen worse. He studies Draco a moment, checking here, checking there. Harry: Sir. Sir. Miracle Ron: What? Harry: We're really in a terrible rush. Miracle Ron: [He takes nothing from nobody] Don't rush me. You rush a Miracle man, you get rotten Miracles. You got money? Harry: Sixty-five. Miracle Ron: Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause. Harry: This is noble, sir. [pointing to Draco] His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation. Miracle Ron: You're in Gryffindor, aren't you? Gryffindors can never lie convincingly. Harry: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years. Miracle Ron: Your first story was better. [looking around] Where's that bellows? [spots it] He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him. He goes to get a huge bellows. Harry: [stupefied] He's dead. He can't talk. Miracle Ron: Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. Harry does. Ron inserts the bellows in Draco's mouth and starts to pump. Miracle Ron: Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do. Harry: What's that? He stops pumping. Miracle Ron: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. He starts pumping again. Miracle Ron: [to Draco] Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? And he presses lightly on Draco's chest. Draco: ... tr ... oooo .... luv... Everybody stares at Draco lying there on the bench. Harry: True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that. Miracle Ron: True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and like all Slytherins, he cheated -- A woman's voice: -- Liar -- LIAR-LI-A-A-AR -- Hermione, in a fury fury, storms out of a back room and toward Miracle Ron: -- get back, witch -- Hermione: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. Well, actually, I'm both... But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be married anymore. Miracle Ron: You never had it so good. Hermione: "True love." He said, "true love," Ron. My God -- Miracle Ron: [retreating] Don't say another word, Hermione. Hermione: [turning to Harry and Hagrid] He's afraid. Ever since Prince Voldemort fired him, his confidence is shattered. Miracle Ron: Why'd you say that name -- you promised me that you would never say that name -- Hermione: [pursuing him now] What, Voldemort? Voldemort. Voldemort. Ooo-ooo, Voldemort -- Miracle Ron: [holding his hands over his ears] I'm not listening. Hermione: A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help -- Miracle Ron: Nobody's hearing nothing! Hermione: Voldemort. Voldemort! Voldemort! Harry: -- But this is Ginny's true love -- If you heal him, he will stop Voldemort's wedding. Hermione: Voldemort. Voldemort -- Miracle Ron: [to Hermione] Shut up -- [now to Harry] Wait a minute. My sister loves this stupid git? Harry: Well, um. Miracle Ron: My *sister* has been kissing *Draco* *Malfoy* Draco: We didn't want to Harry and Ron: Shut up. You're dead. Draco: [to himself] only mostly... Harry: The point is, if you heal Draco, Voldemo-- Ron: -- Don't say that name! Harry: -- You-Know-Who suffers Ron: Hmm... Leave Malfoy dead, humiliate You-Know-Who... Leave Malfoy dead, humiliate You-Know-Who... Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job. And as Hermione shrieks excitedly we Cut to:
Pull back to reveal
Harry: [a little appalled] That's a Miracle pill? Ron nods Hermione: [finishing] The chocolate coating restores happiness. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what? Miracle Ron: An hour. Hermione: Yeah, an hour. Miracle Ron: A good hour. Yeah. Harry accepts the pill as Hagrid takes Draco, who is stiff as a board now. Harry: [heading out the door, Hagrid close behind] Thank you for everything. Miracle Ron: Okay. Hermione: [waving after them] Bye-bye, boys. Miracle Ron: Have fun storming the castle. Hermione: [to Ron] Think it'll work? Miracle Ron: It would take a Miracle. Bye! Hermione: Bye. Cut to:
Hagrid is thunderstruck by how many Death Eaterss there are. Upset, he turns to Harry, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Draco against the wall. Hagrid: Harry -- there's more than thirty -- Harry: [absolutely unfazed] What's the difference? [indicating the half-dead Draco] We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him. Hagrid: Has it been fifteen minutes? Harry: We can't wait -- the wedding's in half an hour. Besides. I'm gonna enjoy this. [grins somewhat maliciously] During this, Hagrid, using all his strength, has managed to get Draco into a right angled sitting postion, while Harry brings out the miracle pill. Harry: Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. Hagrid: [following orders] How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works? Cut to:
Harry: Your guess is as good as mine -- Draco: I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together. Hagrid: Guess not very long. Harry and Hagrid react. Draco is the only one not amazed. Draco: Why won't my arms move? What have you done to me? [He sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.] When I tell my father-- Hagrid: You've been mostly dead all day. Harry: We had Miracle Ron make a pill to bring you back. Draco: Who are you? -- Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? -- Where's Ginny? -- Harry: Let me explain -- [pauses very briefly] -- No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Ginny is marrying Voldemort in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Wormtail. Draco: That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying. He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now. Hagrid: You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful. Draco: I've always been a quick healer. Except with hippogriff bites. Those things sting like you wouldn't believe. [to Harry] What are our liabilities? Harry: There is but one working castle gate. Hagrid helps Harry raise Draco just high enough so he can see for himself. Harry: and it is guarded by sixty men. Draco: and our assets? Harry: Your brains, Hagrid's strength, my steel. Cut to:
Draco: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this... He shakes his head from side to side. Cut to:
Hagrid: [trying to be cheery] You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy? Draco: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something. Harry: Where did we put that wheelbarrow Lucius Malfoy had? Hagrid: Over Lucius Malfoy, I think. Draco: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak. Harry: Sorry. I don't care how rich you are, you can't just *wish* for something and have it *appear* -- Hagrid: [pulling one out] Will this do? Harry: [to Hagrid-- surprised] Where did you get that? Hagrid: At Miracle Ron's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it. Draco: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Harry and Hagrid do. Draco: Now, I'll need a sword eventually. Harry: Why? You can't even lift one. Draco: True -- and, by the way, shut up -- but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? [and his bead tilts limply back. Hagrid sets it up right for him] Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside. Harry: I'll say -- how do I find the Count? -- Once I do, how do I find you again? -- Once I find you again, how do we escape? -- Hagrid: [sharply] Don' pester him, he's had a hard day. Harry: [nods] Right, right, sorry. Old habits die hard. Cut to:
They move along the wall in silence for a time. Then these words come to us on the wind -- Hagrid: 'Arry. Harry: What? Hagrid: I hope we win... Cut to:
Pull back to reveal:
Voldemort: You don't seem excited, my little muffin. Ginny: Should I be? Voldemort: Brides often are, I'm told. Ginny: [gently, confidently] I do not marry tonight. Cut to:
Ginny: My Draco will save me. [pause] At least, he'd better, the slimy git. Cut to:
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Draco can't even do that, but after a bit of rocking back and forth, he manages to get enough momentum to catapult his arm over and onto his friend's. Cut to:
Pull back to reveal:
Ginny and Voldemort kneel before Fudge. Behind them sit the mumbling old King and Queen. Standing in the back is Count Wormtail. Four Death Eaters are in position flanking the chapel door. Cornelius Fudge: [clears his throat, begins to speak] Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today... He has an impediment that would stop a clock. Cornelius Fudge: Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam... And now, from outside the castle, there begins to come a commotion. And then -- Flint: [off-screen] Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground. Cut to:
Flint: Stand your ground. Cut to:
Hagrid: I AM THE DREAD AUROR MOODY. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS. Cut to:
Harry: Now? Draco: Not yet. Cut to:
Hagrid: MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL NOT BE HERE -- Cut to:
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Harry struggles bravely under their combined weight -- Harry: Now? Draco: Light him. Harry: [touching his wand to the holocaust cloak] Incendio. Cut to:
Hagrid: [roaring] THE DREAD AUROR MOODY TAKES NO SURVIVORS. ALL YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE. Cut to:
Cornelius Fudge: ... Ven wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever.. Cut to:
Cut to:
Hagrid: THE DREAD AUROR MOODY IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS! Cut to:
Flint: Stay where you are. I said stay where you are! Cut to:
Cornelius Fudge: ... so tweasuwe your vruv.. Voldemort: Skip to the end. Cornelius Fudge: Have you the wing? As Voldemort whips out the ring, the screams are very loud outside. Ginny: Here comes my Draco now. Cut to:
Draco: Hagrid, the portcullis. And Hagrid rushes forward, grabbing the portcullis, which is indeed closing quickly. Hagrid grabs the gate: and swings the tonnage back upward. Flint just watches in fear. Cut to:
Voldemort: Your Draco is dead. Ginny only smiles, shakes her head. Voldemort: I killed him myself. Ginny: [never more serene] Then why is there fear behind your eyes? Cut to:
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Draco: Give us the gate key. Flint: [every ounce of honesty he's got] I have no gate key. Harry: Hagrid, tear his arms off. Hagrid steps toward him. Flint: Oh, you mean this gate key. And he whips it out, hands it to Hagrid. Cut to:
Cornelius Fudge: And do you, Pwincess Ginny... Voldemort: Man and wife -- say man and wife... Cornelius Fudge: Man and wife. Voldemort: [whirling to the King and Queen] Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite -- I'll be there shortly. And as he dashes off -- Cut to:
Ginny: He didn't come. Cut to:
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Wormtail: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning. And as his Warriors attack -- Harry goes wild, and maybe the Warrior's are good, maybe they're even better than that -- but they never get a chance to show it because this is something now, this is Harry gone mad and Gryffindor's sword has never flashed faster and the fourth guard is dead before the first one has even hit the floor. There is a pause. Then -- Harry: [to Wormtail, evenly and soft] Hello. My name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Cut to:
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Harry: [calling out] Hagrid, I need you -- Cut to:
Hagrid: [indicating Draco] I can't leave him alone. Cut to:
Harry: He's getting away from me, Hagrid. Please. Hagrid! Cut to:
Hagrid: [to Draco] I'll be right back. And he props Draco up against a large suit of armour and takes off toward the intersection where Harry's voice came from -- Draco: [rolls his eyes] Yeah, sure, no problem. Run off to help Potter, you stupid, overgrown oaf. Because lord knows, Potter can't just use a simple Alohomora charm, no, not him. He needs *attention*. He needs to be *special*. My father always said... Cut to:
Harry: Thank you -- And Harry flies through as Hagrid heads back to Draco. Cut to:
King Albus: [can hardly be understood] Strange wedding. Queen Minerva: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along. Ginny gently stops the King and places a kiss on his forehead. He's very surprised and pleased. King Albus: What was that for? Ginny: Because you've always been so kind to me. And I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the Honeymoon Suite. King Albus: smiling away -- his hearing isn't what it once was] Lemon drop? [calling out to the Queen] She kissed me... And on those words -- Cut to:
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The room is going white on him. Harry: ... Sorry, Father ... I tried ... I tried... Cut to:
Wormtail: You must be that little brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous. Harry sinks. Cut to:
Draco: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours. And Ginny whirls as we -- Cut to:
Ginny leaps to the bed, covering him with kisses. Draco is helpless. Ginny: Oh, Draco, darling. [more kisses] Draco, why won't you hold me? Draco: [gently] Gently. Ginny: At a time like this that's all you can think to say? "Gently?" Draco: [not so gently] Gently!! JESUS, Weasley! And she lets go, thumping his head against the headboard and Cut to:
Wormtail: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? Pull back to reveal:
Wormtail is pushing off from the table, sword in hand, moving in to kill Harry. Wormtail: You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day. Harry watches the Count approach, and the Count flicks his sword at Harry's heart, and there's not much Harry can do, just kind of vaguely parry the thrust with the six-fingered sword and Count Wormtail's blade sinks deeply into Harry's left shoulder. Harry doesn't seem to feel it, his other agonies are so much worse. Cut to:
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Harry: [all but audible] Hello. My name is Harry Potter, you killed my father; prepare to die. Cut to:
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Harry: [a little louder] Hello. My name is Harry Potter, you killed my father, prepare to die. Cut to:
Harry: [a little louder still] Hello. My name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Wormtail: Stop saying that! Cut to:
Harry drives for the Count's left shoulder now, thrusts home where the Count had gotten him. Then another move and his blade enters the Count's right shoulder, the same spot Harry was wounded. Harry: [all he's got] HELLO! MY NAME IS HARRY POTTER. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE. Wormtail: No -- Harry: -- offer me money -- And now Gryffindor's sword strikes and there is a slash along Wormtail's forehead Wormtail: -- yes -- Harry: -- power too -- promise me that -- The great sword flashes again, and now there is another slash, and the cuts bleed together, and form a lightning bolt. Wormtail: -- all that I have and more please -- Harry: -- offer me everything I ask for -- Wormtail: -- anything you want -- Harry: [roaring]I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON-OF- A-BITCH! And on that -- Cut to:
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Draco lies as before, not a muscle has moved, his head is still on the headboard, Flint's sword at his side. Ginny is alongside the bed; her eyes never leave his face. Ginny: Oh, Draco, will you ever forgive me? Draco: What hideous sin have you committed lately? Ginny: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast. Draco: It never happened. Ginny: What? Draco: It never happened. Ginny: But it did. I was there. This old man said, "Man and wife." Draco: Did you say, "I do"? Ginny: Well, no, we sort of skipped that part. Draco: Then you're not married -- if you didn't say it, you didn't do it -- [a pause] -- wouldn't you agree, Your Highness? Cut to:
Voldemort: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death. Draco: No. [a little pause] To the pain. Voldemort: [about to charge, stops short] I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Draco: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon. Voldemort: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. Cut to:
Draco: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose. Cut to:
Voldemort: -- and then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. Draco: I wasn't finished -- the next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right -- Voldemort: [takes step forward] -- and then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it -- Cut to:
Draco: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why -- Cut to:
Draco: -- so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish -- every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. Cut to:
Voldemort: I think you're bluffing -- Cut to:
Draco: It's possible, pig -- I might be bluffing -- it's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand -- then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. And now, slowly, Draco begins to move. His body turns, his feet go to the floor, he starts to stand -- Cut to:
Cut to:
Draco: -- DROP YOUR SWORD! Cut to:
Draco: [to Voldemort] Have a seat. Cut to:
Draco: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. And as she sets to work -- Cut to:
Harry: Where's Hagrid? Draco: I thought he was with you. Harry: No. Draco: In that case -- [and his balance betrays him] Harry: [to Ginny] Help him. Ginny: Why does Draco need helping? Harry: Because he has no strength -- Cut to:
Voldemort: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing. Harry: [staring at the Prince] Shall I dispatch him for you? Draco: [considers this, then] Thank you, but no -- whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice. Hagrid: [off-screen] 'Arry! 'Arry, where are you? They look at each other, then move to the balcony, and Cut to:
Hagrid: Ah, there yeh are. 'Arry, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady -- 'allo, lady -- so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. [considers things a moment] I guess we just did. Cut to:
Harry: Hagrid, you did something right. Hagrid: Don' worry -- I won't let it go to my head. And as he holds out his great arms, Cut to:
Draco and Harry, watching as Hagrid catches Ginny. Harry: You know, it's very strange -- I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. Draco: [as Harry gets him ready for his jump] Have you ever considered being an auror? You'd make a wonderful Dread Auror Moody. Now from that -- Cut to:
Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Draco and Ginny knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other... As Ginny and Draco begin their ultimate kiss -- Cut to:
Vernon stops reading. Dudley: What? What? Vernon: No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear it. Dudley: I don't mind so much. He gestures for his dad to read Vernon: Okay. Cut to:
Vernon: [off-screen] Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end. Cut to:
Vernon snaps the book closed. Vernon: Now I think you ought to go to sleep. Dudley: Can I have a chocolate shake first? Final fade out:
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