In Europe he grew the dreads, hoping to further dislodge thoughts of "his cute little elf-like face." Even if they didn't look so hot - which was a matter of great debate among the German teenies - they hid his pointy ears, which helped.

In fact, things were going along pretty well until they found out that Lynn wouldn't be able to stay for Christmas.

"But, Mom," Justin said, his eyes filling with tears.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, truly I am. But there are obligations at home that I can't get out of, and Paul can't fly out here, either. I'll be back before New Year's. You'll hardly know I'm gone."

"Think of the fun we'll have," JC said. "Just the five of us, Curly."

"If you're real good, maybe Santa will bring you a bunch of presents," Joey said.

Justin scowled. "I'm not *five*, Joe."

"It'll be awesome," Lance said, and for him Justin relented, because Lance clearly wanted his mother too.

Chris stayed silent the entire time.

The problem was, with Lynn gone and the tutors on Christmas vacation, there was no one to keep Justin from bursting into Chris' room looking for entertainment. Why should they, really? He was Justin's best friend, right? He would *never* be doing something Justin couldn't know about. Right?

Wrong.

"What the fuck?" Justin asked when he found Chris with a list of alphabetized names.

"Jesus, J, knock why don't you?"

"What is this stuff."

Chris shrugged, his brain racing like crazy. "Baby names," he said, and winced. That was his worst excuse in over three hundred years.

"Baby?" Justin backed up into Joey, who'd come to investigate the noise.

"What's going on?"

"Chris is gonna be a father."

"I am not," Chris snapped.

"What is all this?" Joey asked, picked up a sheet of paper.

"Put that back! You'll get it all out of order."

"Dude. What's with the smiley faces?"

"Nothing," Chris said.

Justin looked at the paper over Joey's shoulder. "Whose Heidi He-He-"

"Heinlich," Chris said without thinking.

"How often have you *read* this thing?" Joey asked.

"Not much," Chris said defensively, "only twice."

"Guys?" JC called, "Where are you?"

"Chris' room!" Justin shouted, "he's being a freak again!" Chris sighed. Lance was on JC's heels, and there was just no way of keeping it secret now. They were all going to know, and wasn't that dandy?

"I knew starting this group was a bad idea," he muttered.

"Hey, man," JC said. "If this is a private act of freakdom, we can leave."

"Too late now. Just. Don't mix the pages up, okay? Took me *forever* to collate them."

"What are they *for*?" Lance asked.

"Baby names," Justin said.

Joey snorted. "Yeah, because Chris really knows someone who wants to name his son Friedrich Heinz."

"Kristoff Heinz happens to be an excellent man," Chris said.

"Who?" Lance asked.

"Friedrich's father."

"Oh my God," JC said. "You're Santa Claus."

Joey, Justin and Lance burst out laughing.

"Santa! God, Jayce!" Joey said.

Chris watched them roll on the floor.

"Actually," he said, "I'm just an elf."

* * *

"You're a what?" Joey asked.

"Elf."

"You know," JC said, "Santa's helpers."

"Thanks, Jayce, that was very informative," Lance said.

JC beamed.

"And that," Chris said, diving for his list, "is why *someone* would get coal in his stocking, if he still believed in Santa Claus."

"I'm NOT bad!" Lance said.

"You were thinking evil thoughts."

Lance opened his mouth.

"DonŐt even *try* to deny it, Bass. Lying only gets you in deeper."

"Chris," Justin said, "this isn't funny."

"Yes it is," Chris said. "Ha ha ha. It's all one big joke. Now go away while I hide everything."

"This is real, isn't it?" Joey said. "Motherfucker."

"Work in the List Department, they told me. Travel. Meet people. Be famous. Hah!"

"Joey," Lance said.

"Look at him. Look at his pointy little ears, and short body, and fucking LIST, and tell me this isn't real."

"Santa Claus does NOT exist," Lance said.

"I'll have you know," Chris said, "that only the tallest elves get to go undercover in human society."

"Dude," JC said, "you're a secret-ops elf?"

"Santa Claus exists?" Justin said.

"Not you, too!" Lance said.

Chris put his head in his hands.

"Can we help?" JC asked.

"No. Actually, yes. You can help a great deal."

"Really?!" JC smiled happily. "What can we do?"

"GO AWAY!!!"

"But-"

"Jayce. I have a few thousand names to go over, making sure I've double-checked all of them. I have to report this, that you guys know. I have to figure out what to fucking *do* about you, and I have to get it all done before morning. So really, the kindest thing you can do is leave me alone to cry in peace."

"What do you mean, figure out what to do about us?" Lance asked suspiciously.

"You're human," Chris said.

"So?"

"So you're ADULT humans. Except for JC, who clearly has the emotional innocence of a 7-year-old-"

"Hey!"

"That's a good thing, Jayce. You believe in the beauty of Christmas, the magic of giving, the spreading of love."

"I happen to celebrate Christ's birth," Lance said stiffly.

"Well, yes. That's the most important part. But Christ's birth is symbolic, Lance. God was giving his only child to you people, to make the world a better place. So now adults give things to children, to preserve their innocence too, and help them improve your lives. It's all circular."

"Why do you sound like you're reciting a textbook?" Joey asked.

Chris rubbed his forehead. "It's our mandate. It also happens to be true."

"So why can't we know?" Justin asked.

"Well, maybe you can. You have to be evaluated, probably. I don't know. It's been a few hundred years, okay?"

"Chris," Lance said, "you're only 25."

"Seven hundred and," Chris said.

"So," Joey said, "when you call Curly 'Infant,' you really mean it."

"Duh," Chris said, "he's a baby."

"I am not!"

"Chris, you cannot be 725. You can't even be 125. People don't live that long.

"People!" Chris said in a squeaky Brooklyn accent. "*I* ain't people! *I* am a shimmering star in the cinema firmament. It says so. Right here." He fished his wallet out of his back pocket, and started sifting through business cards.

"Actually," Joey said, plucking the card from Chris' hands "it says that you're a card-carrying member of the List-Checking Department of Santa's Elves, Inc. You guys are incorporated?"

"Right," Lance said. "I suppose they have a Union, too."

"List-Checkers Local #123, Amalgamated," Chris said. "I used to be in 347, but then we moved to Germany, so."

"Having a card does not mean it's real," Lance said.

JC patted him on the head.

"Come on, guys," he said. "Let's let Chris get back to work."

"Right," Lance said. "Work."

"Hey, isn't that the kid we saw last night at dinner?" Joey asked. "He was hitting his little sister."

"No!" Chris cried, snatching up the paper and pressing it to his chest. "Humans cannot help with the checking! No no no no no!"

Suddenly, a mist settled over the room.

"Oh, shit."

"What?" JC asked.

"Look. You don't know anything, okay? You certainly haven't seen the list, and even if you did happen to catch someone's name, you have no clue about smiley or frowny faces or what the hell behavior they've exhibited over the past 12 months, 'kay?"

"Why?" Justin asked.

"Because if you think Lou is a scary fat fuck, you ain't seen nothing yet."

* * *

When the mist dissolved, they were in a large white room. On close inspection, JC realized that the walls were not so much white, as they were snow. Or ice that had pale white veins running all together. He wasn't sure. The thing was, the walls weren't actually cold, at all. And if he breathed on them, they would clear for a minute and he could catch glimpses of workrooms, and many people who looked a lot like Chris, only shorter, busily making toys.

Chris pulled him away. "We're in enough trouble already, C."

"It's so pretty, though."

"What is?" Justin asked.

"Breathe on the wall."

"Please don't," Chris said, but it was too late.

"Wow!" Justin pressed his nose to the wall and kept exhaling happily. JC tucked his chin over Justin's shoulder.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Kids," he told Joey. Lance shook his head.

"This is not real," he told Chris. "This is, like, some kind of collective acid trip."

"Right," Joey said, "because you really dropped a tab."

"There's a rational explanation here somewhere, I know it."

Suddenly, a door opened, and a blonde elf dressed in business suit stuck her head around the corner.

"He's ready to see you now, Chris"

"Thanks, Dani."

"Chris -" Dani put a hand out and stopped him at the doorway.

"You have no idea," Chris said, "what it's like out there now."

"I worry about you."

"I know." He kissed her cheek softly, and disappeared. Dani stepped into the waiting room, and closed the door behind her.

Lance folded his arms over his chest.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Dani," she said. "I'm one of His lawyers."

"His?"

"Santa Claus, Lance," Joey said. Lance rolled his eyes.

"How long've you known Chris?" Joey asked.

"715 years. But we've only been dating for 538."

Justin tore his face away from the wall. "Chris has a *girl*?"

Dani smiled. "You must be Justin. Chris talks about you all the time."

"Really?"

"He's amazed that you stay so level-headed, what with your lifestyle and all."

"*He's* level-headed?" Lance said. "*I* seem to be the only one who realizes this isn't happening."

"James," she said sadly, touching Lance's cheek, "can't you even believe a little?"

"You want me to believe that a mass hallucination is real?"

"Please?"

Lance threw his hands up and went to sulk in the corner.

"Don't mind him," Joey said. "It's JC you should be worried about. He's gonna melt a hole right through your wall."

"It's so pretty," JC said.

Dani laughed. "That's nothing. If you pass the evaluation, oh boy."

"Is it hard?" Justin asked in a small voice.

"Oh, sweetie, no. He just looks into your heart, sees if you're ready."

"What if Lance fails?" JC asked.

"Hey! What if Joey fails? What if you fail?"

Dani ignored him. "Then we send him back."

"You don't hurt him?"

"Good God, no! We wouldn't. We just remove the evidence."

"What evidence?" Joey asked.

"Chris."

* * *

"Hello, Chris."

"Sir."

"I've known you for 725 years, Chris. I held you in my hands when you were born. I don't think you really have to call me 'sir', do you?"

"No?"

"Good. Let's keep things nice and informal then. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!!!"

Chris winced. "It's not easy," he said softly.

"That's why I sent *you.* I counted on you, Chris."

"*You* try living with those four and not letting them find out. They'd try the patience of a saint!"

"I *am* a saint."

"Well, yes," Chris said. "But, Nick, really. I couldn't help it."

"*I* haven't had these issues."

"You room with your 'mother.' They don't go barging in without notice."

"True, true. But Chris," Nick said unhappily, "I don't want to remove you. Forget the rules. You guys sound *good* when you sing."

Chris shrugged. "So don't remove me. I don't see what the big deal is."

"You don't-"

"You've seen what it's like out there. Do you really think anybody's going to believe them? I mean, for starters *Lance* doesn't believe it. And it's not like I don't blend. I had the ear surgery, I don't exactly scream 'tiny Vulcan' anymore."

"Chris-"

"I *like* it out there, Nick. Humans are fun."

"I know. But the rules state-"

"Forget the rules. You made them, you can break them. Anyway, maybe they'll pass the trial."

"I can't believe you just told me to forget the rules." Nick said, his eyes narrowing. "You know what that means, right?"

"Now, Nick..."

Nick advanced on Chris, a smile playing at his lips.

"You *said* the words, Chris. You can't deny it."

"You said yourself you wanted to forget them!" Chris backed up hastily, holding a hand between himself and the man who steadily stalked him.

"*I* made them," Nick said. "I can break them if I want to."

"Nick," Chris choked.

"You broke your labor contract."

"Nick, please."

"Sometimes," Nick said, "I really love this job."

A strangled cry of "Noooooooo" echoed through the hallways. Dani winced.

"That sounded like Chris!" Joey said, leaping up to pound on the door.

Chris staggered forward, falling into Joey's arms.

"He'll be fine," Dani said. "Eventually."

"Eventually?" Lance said. "What the hell did you people do to him?"

"I made him eat his vegetables," Nick said.

The four humans stopped and stared at him. Joey dropped Chris to the ground.

"Santa?" he said.

Nick nodded.

"Now I know I'm dreaming," Lance said.

"Lance," JC said soothingly.

"No. There is NO WAY that Santa Claus, even if he exists - which he doesn't - there is NO WAY that HE is Santa Claus."

"I like the Backstreet Boys," Justin said.

* * *

"You really don't believe?" Nick asked Lance.

Chris gripped Dani's hand, still recovering from the string beans.

"It's not real. You're not. Well, okay, you're real. But you're really Nick Carter, of the Backstreet Boys. The rest of it, all of this stuff, is just. I don't know. But look - Dani, right?"

Dani nodded.

"You're one of the girls who was trying out for the video. 'I Drive Myself Crazy."

"I wanted to see Chris," she said. Chris smiled and pulled her closer.

"Don't you see?" Lance asked Nick. "None of this is real."

Nick sighed and looked to Chris.

"I have to."

"You're implicated too," Chris said.

"I know." Nick winced. "But we can't. He doesn't believe, Chris."

"The rules-"

"The rules are there for a reason."

Chris hung his head.

"Wait a second," Joey said, "what's going on?"

"You're going back," Chris said.

"You mean *we're* going back," Justin said, "right?"

"Sorry, Curly."

Justin glared at Lance. "This is *your* fault! Chris *told* you it was real!"

"Justin," Chris said. He pulled Justin into a hug. "It'll be okay, J, you'll see."

"No! You can't stay! You can't!" Justin burst into tears and struggled to get away, but Chris held him, murmuring softly and running a hand up and down Justin's back.

"I miss my mother," Justin whispered. Chris kissed his head. "I know, buddy. I know."

"You can't have him," Joey told Nick.

"I don't *want* to," Nick said.

"Gee, thanks a lot."

"Then don't. It's that simple. I don't see what difference *Lance* will make, anyway."

"Gee," Lance said, "thanks a lot."

"Joey's right," JC said. "Isn't it the believers you should worry about?"

"The believers won't be believed. It's the non-believers who can ruin us. Ruin Christmas."

"You're really gonna keep Chris here?" Lance said.

"I have no choice."

"What about you? What about the Backstreet Boys?"

"If Chris stays, I stay. It's that simple. You know about me too."

"How magnanimous," Joey said.

"Lance," JC said. "Try to believe. Please."

Lance looked at Nick, lounging against a doorframe in a bright red hat. He saw Dani, tucking blonde hair behind impossibly long ears. He saw Justin, sobbing quietly in Chris' arms.

"I'll try," he said.

* * *

"Well," Nick said, "while you try to come to grips with the fact that I exist, why don't I feed you dinner?"

Chris perked up immediately.

"Chocolate chip cookies? Chocolate chip cookies?"

"Chocolate chip cookies," Nick said, smiling. Chris jumped on his back. "Lead the way, Old Man!"

"You put up with this?" Joey asked as they walked down a Jello corridor.

"For 725 years, God help me." Chris kicked Nick in the stomach. "Less talk, more walk."

"You're not exactly light, Chris."

Joey snorted.

"Are you mocking my weight, Fatone?"

"No," Joey said, "I'm mocking his strength."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Chris," Nick said, "is the tallest elf in over 500 years. And I haven't had to give him a piggy back ride in almost 30."

"25!" Chris said. "I've only been gone 25 years."

"And how I loved them."

"You missed me. You know you did."

Nick laughed. Everyone stopped walking, except for Dani, who smacked into Justin's back.

"What?" she asked.

"That was. You. The walls shook," Lance said.

"Yeah well," Nick said.

Chris started laughing hysterically.

"Christopher."

"It's 'cause-"

"Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick!"

"When he laughs, his belly shakes like-"

"Don't make me break out the peas!"

Chris shut up, but it was too late.

"Like a bowl full of jelly!" Justin said. Nick sighed.

"Ahah!" Lance said. "See, you *can't* be Santa, because you're not fat!"

"Oh God," Chris said, sliding off of Nick's back. "Here we go again."

Dani elbowed him in the stomach.

"Before Livingston," Nick said, and suddenly there were spectacles on his nose that he was peering over, and he was wearing a tweed jacket with patches on the elbow, "there was no uniform view of Santa Claus. Some pictured me as old, some young. Fat, thin, in between. They all existed."

"We're getting to the good part now," Chris whispered to Justin. Justin giggled, but turned red and stopped when Nick glared at him.

"Then Major Henry Livingston took it upon himself to write a work of *fiction* ('Twas the Night Before Christmas! Hah! 'Twas the night before November 23rd...) and the next thing you know, everyone expects me to have a long white beard and a belly that could rival Ulysses Grant's. But! Historically speaking, there is no record that I *ever* could fly up a chimney by wiggling my nose, or that..."

"I'm sorry I asked," Lance said.

"If it's not true," Joey said, "why did the walls shake."

"*Some* people," Nick said, "and by some people I mean Chris, seem to find that poem, and the secular carols that have sprung up in recent years, to be inordinately funny."

Joey glanced at JC, who shrugged.

"I spelled the Jello tunnels to do that," Chris said.

"Dude!" Justin said.

Chris sighed mournfully. "He made me clean my room."

Lance snorted. "Now that," he said, "is the best Chris punishment *ever*."

* * *

The dining room was long and loud and filled with elves. A maitre-d led them to a corner table, and handed them menus made of gingerbread.

"The hot fudge sundaes are incredible," Chris said, running his finger over the word. Immediately a sundae appeared in front of him.

"Actually, they've gone down hill since you left," Dani said. "Mrs. Fields retired."

Chris sighed, and scanned his menu again. A waiter appeared and removed the offending dessert.

"Mrs. Fields is an *elf*?" Joey said.

"Sure," Nick said. "Most elves love cooking."

"Chris never cooks for us," Justin said.

Dani laughed. "Chris thinks cooking is beneath him."

"My family has worked undercover for generations."

"I suppose that makes you better than everyone else," Lance said.

"I'll have you know that if my daughter ever tried to marry a Keebler I-what?"

"You have a daughter?" Justin asked.

"I have 20, actually. Lisa, Jenny, Chrissie - not my fault, that, Dani made me - Jessie, Meg, Jo, Amy, Beth, Susie, Mary, Beatrice, Kitty, Nina, Nancy, Hazel, Heather, Ivy, Holly, Sarah and Jamesina."

"What on earth," Lance said, "would posses you to name a child Jamesina?"

"That was my mother's name, Lansten."

"You're not married," Justin said.

"Good lord, kid!" Chris looked horrified. "Elves don't get married. You ever thought of spending 1800 years married to one person?"

"If it was the *right* person, it would be worth every second."

Nick laughed. "Elves have a different view on life. Probably because they don't grow up."

"Chris looks pretty grown up."

"There's physical maturity, and then there's emotional maturity."

"I've often thought," Lance said dryly, "that Chris' driving ambition in life is to die a Toys 'R' Us kid."

Chris stuck his tongue out.

"So *that's* why eating your vegetables is such a threat!" Justin said.

"But vegetables are good for you," JC said.

Chris shook his head. "Lies, all lies I tell you!"

"Eating your vegetables, cleaning your room, making your bed. All those things turn you into adults," Nick said.

Joey snorted. "That would explain why Lance likes brussel sprouts."

"Brussel sprouts are good!" Lance protested hotly. The entire dining room went dead silent.

"Brussel sprouts," Chris said, "are tiny green orbs of evil."

"I thought that's what you called peas," Dani said.

"No, peas are tiny green bullets of evil. Ain't no such thing as a brussel sprout-shooter."

Nick laughed, and everyone went back to eating.

"Asparagus," Chris said conversationally, "are long green spears of death."

"What about corn?" Justin asked.

"On the cob or off?"

"Off."

"Little yellow pellets of corruption."

"On," Joey said.

"Hand grenades of doom."

Nick patted Lance consolingly. "Are you *sure* you want to keep him?"

* * *

"I wanna meet your kids," Lance said.

"What?"

"These so called 20 children. Where are they?"

"Actually," Chris said, "I have 42 and a half kids. Only 20 daughters."

"Half?" JC said.

"Don't ask."

"Are they all Dani's?" Justin asked.

Dani choked on her coffee milkshake. Chris thumped her helpfully on the back.

"Didn't we just go over the non-monogamy thing?" Nick asked.

"But. They've been dating for 500 years."

"538," Chris said. "What's your point?"

"You cheated on her while dating?"

"What does sex have to do with love? And why are we discussing this over dinner?"

Lance stared at Chris, as if seeing him for the first time. "You don't. Sex. Love. It's."

"It's only a sin for you," Chris said. "Man, sex is just sex. Nice, sure. And the kids are a sweet side benefit, although I wouldn't want to support 42 and a half of 'em if I were human. But love is totally different. Love is your heart, your soul. What you do with your body has no effect on it."

"I suppose."

"Don't mind him," Nick said. "He's an elf."

"Oh, please, like you've been human since you died!"

"You *died*?" JC said.

"You have to die to be sainted."

"Yeah, but." He waved his hands at Nick. "How?"

"Elf magic. They decided I was pure of heart, and worthy of eternal life in the pursuit of purifying others."

"You know how one of Santa's earliest names was Kris Kringle?" Chris said. "That was after my dad. Except the Kringle part. That was after Gustav Kringle, who is no relation whatsoever but who worked with Pops for over a millennium."

"You lie," Dani said. Chris whooped, and chased her down the hallway.

"Take it back, witch!"

"I'm not a witch, I'm your girlfriend!"

"Take it back anyway!"

"Humperdink! Humperdink Humperdink Humperdink!"

"Noooooooooo!"

"Right," Nick said. "I guess I'll show you the workshops."

"What about Chris?" Justin asked.

"He'll be back. Eventually."

"But."

Joey put a hand on Justin's shoulder.

"He's been gone 25 years, J. I doubt they get to do more than talk on the phone or something."

"Oh. Ohhhhhhh." Light dawned in Justin's eyes. "Hey! Maybe in a few months he'll have forty-" Nick clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You're on the good list, kiddo. Let's keep it that way."

* * *

The workshops were room upon room filled with elves, busily putting the finishing touches on Christmas presents. Joey thought he saw one elf carefully coloring Monopoly money, but since Monopoly was a registered trademark, he figured he'd been wrong.

"Don't you have space issues?" Lance asked. "How do you keep all this hidden?"

"Humans see what they want to see," Nick said. "If you brought a child to the North Pole, we'd be in trouble. Fortunately, explorers rarely think to bring their kids along."

"What about space for all the elves? Chris alone has over 40 kids. If elves live for a couple thousand years, that must add up."

Nick's face darkened. He ushered them back into the hallway, not wanting to discuss it in public. After a moment, he started leading them down a long staircase. "Chris has had over 40 kids," he said, "but only 9 and a half are living. Elf babies are very small, and delicate. Most of them don't survive infancy."

"That's terrible," Joey said. Justin buried his face in JC's side.

"He's lost 33 babies?" Lance asked. Nick opened a door, showing them a huge chamber filled with plaques.

"This is the Kirkpatrick cemetery from the last 500 years," he said. "There are more vaults going back... well. The walls speak for themselves."

"Where're Chris'?" JC asked. Nick pointed.

Joey started reading, slowly. "Elizabeth Georgina Kirkpatrick, born December 25th, 1603, died December 27th 1603. Michael Jonathon Kirkpatrick, born August 7th, 1651, died May 9th, 1654. Margaret Jane Kirkpatrick, born-"

"That's enough!" Lance said. He turned away from the walls, tears glittering in his eyes. "Can we."

Nick nodded, and led the way back to his living room.

"I'll fix some hot chocolate," he said. "You'll feel better."

"I doubt it."

"Nick?" Justin said.

Nick paused.

"Can we meet his other children?"

"Ivy, Peter and Kelsey are out undercover," Nick said. "And Holly, Sarah, Mark, Daniel and Jamesina are pretty busy. Christmas is almost here."

"And the others?" Lance said.

"What?"

"I never though I'd be saying this, but you're missing 1.5 of Chris' kids. And we want to meet them."

"You already have," Nick said.

Joey and JC exchanged glances.

"I don't understand," Lance said.

"Their names are Joseph Anthony, Joshua Scott, and Justin Randall. I think you know them pretty well."

"I'm not his kid," Joey said.

"Of course not," JC said. "You half are."

"I don't-"

"He loves you," Nick said. "You're not his, you're not even Elven, but he loves you."

"What about me?" Lance asked.

Nick glanced at him, a strange expression in his eyes.

"You grew up."

* * *

Lance followed Nick into the kitchen to help carry the hot chocolate.

"Nick?"

"Hm?"

"Am I really that bad?"

"Oh, Lance." Nick sighed, and touched his cheek. "It's okay," he said. "Most everyone grows up someday."

"You didn't."

"It was easier, in those days. There was no such thing as a desk job, and the closest you got to fame was being an aristocrat or bishop. And I missed out on a lot, too"

"Like what?"

"Love."

"Chris-"

"Is an elf. It's different. They're built different."

"What about the fabled Mrs. Claus?"

Nick should his head. "Never existed. Kids were freaked by the idea of a 300-year-old bachelor."

"But it makes no sense. I mean, JC's been in relationships before. *Joey* has certainly been in relationships before. And *they're* human." He frowned. "They are human, right?"

"Yes," Nick said.

"Well, what do they have that I don't?"

"Young souls."

"I don't-"

"Lance, you had so much to deal with, growing up. It's not your fault, you couldn't help it. You needed to change to survive."

"I want to believe," Lance whispered.

Nick hugged him. "Then you will."

"Hey!" Joey shouted from the other room, "where's that hot chocolate?"

Nick sighed. "Shall we feed the raving masses?"

"You need a sign," Lance said, picking up three mugs. "Do not feed the bear."

"Actually, polar bears are very fond of hot chocolate. Although not as much as Rudolph. Boy, the stories I could tell you about *him*..."

"Can we meet him?" Justin asked.

"He's sleeping right now. Which you should be doing soon."

"We're not leaving without Chris," JC said firmly.

"Of course not. But there are extra beds."

"Can we meet him in the morning?"

"Yes, Justin. Anyway, Chris'll want to see him."

"Chris knows Rudolph?" JC asked.

"Chris knows everybody. But he and Rudolph are quite the pair. Once, they flew through Israel dropping gelt and dreidels in the streets and shouting 'Happy Hanukah to all, and to all a good night!'"

Joey snarfed his hot chocolate. "They did *what*?"

"And thus the legend of Hanukah Harry was born."

"That is *phat*," Justin said.

Nick laughed. "And now, bedtime."

"Aw, Saaaaaanta," JC said. "I don't waaaaaaaaanna go to bed."

"Don't complain," Nick said. "I still have time to dig out the coal."

JC shut up immediately.

* * *

Lance woke up to Chris, jumping on his stomach.

"Rise and shine, adult boy!"

"Jesus *Christ*, Chris! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Chris put a finger on Lance's lips. "Shh. Don't wanna wake the others."

"Of course not," Lance said. "Then you can't kill them, too."

"Get up get up get up!"

"Get off, and maybe I can."

"Silly human," Chris said, locking his arms around Lance's neck. "Elves are for carrying."

"Can I at least put my pants back on?"

"Ooooooh. Sleeping nekkid in Santa's home? That's deserving of coal right there, mister."

"I'm not naked. I have boxers on."

"Fine, fine. Be all repressed and puritan. Just get up."

Lance stood, dumping Chris on his ass.

"Ah," he said, "much better."

Chris stuck his tongue out.

"So what's with the secret early morning surprise attack?"

"I wanna show you something."

Lance pulled his shirt over his head, and gave Chris a hand up.

"Lead the way."

"You don't seriously expect me to *walk*, do you?"

"Chris, you're nearly as tall as I-oh, fine."

"Woo-hoo!" Chris climbed onto Lance's back, and pointed down the hallway. "Giddyap, horsy!"

"Don't make me drop your ass."

"Lansten! You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"My mamma don't take no lip from no one - including 725-year-old elves who think they're funny."

"We're never gonna get there at this pace," Chris said. He slid off Lance's back. "Besides, yo mamma so dumb, she asked me what letter came after x, I said y, she said 'cuz I wanna know.'"

Lance stared a Chris for a minute, shocked, then chased him down a maze of hallways.

"You take that back, Kirkpatrick!"

"Duh-nuh-na-nuh, na-nuh, na-nuh! Can't touch this!"

"Chris!"

Chris laughed, and led Lance deeper and deeper through the tunnels. At last he pulled to a halt, gasping for breath. Lance tackled him.

"Uncle, uncle!"

"Teach you to talk dirt 'bout my mamma."

"All hail Mamma Bass, loveliest woman in the history of Mississippi."

Lance glared at Chris suspiciously, trying to decide if that was an insult or not. Chris wiggled out from under him.

"Now, you have to be very quiet, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm gonna show you something extremely sensitive."

Lance shrugged. "Sure," he said.

"Not many get the opportunity to see this, Bass. You could act a little excited."

"Maybe if I had the slightest clue what it was."

"'It' is my very first great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter. Susan Elizabeth Kirkpatrick."

"Chris-"

"Shh," Chris said. He opened a door Lance hadn't even noticed. Lance ducked through, and stood in a room filled with tiny incubators and cooing baby-elves. The biggest one couldn't have been more than three and a half lbs. The baby that Chris led him too would have fit in the palm of Joey's hand.

"Isn't she something?"

"Chris. She's incredible." Lance reached out with a finger, and then paused. "Can I?"

Chris nodded. "She likes it."

Lance stroked the baby's cheek softly with his index finger. She batted at him with a curled fist. He chuckled, and started to pull away. Suddenly her eyes opened - incredible, deep blue eyes - and she looked right at him.

Lance hitched his breath, staring down at her. She reached for his finger again, and he slid it into her hand.

"Chris?"

"Mm?"

"Is she. She's so small. She's gonna be okay, right?"

"I don't know, Lance. For Ruthie's sake - Ruthie's her mother - I hope so. But we won't know for a few weeks, at least."

Lance looked spellbound at the little girl who was now sucking his finger contentedly.

"She has to be okay," he said.

"Lance-"

"She *has* to."

* * *

"I think," Nick said slowly, "that it's time to send you back."

"We haven't met Rudolph yet!" Justin said.

"We have rehearsal, J," Chris said. "And three performances tomorrow."

"I'm not leaving 'till I meet Rudolph," Justin said stubbornly.

"I'm not leaving 'till Lance believes," Joey said.

Lance turned bright red.

"Maybe," Chris said, "we could give it 'till Christmas? And if I have to come back then, I will."

"I don't know," Nick said.

"It'll give you time with your guys," Dani said. "Besides, Kevin must be worried sick right now."

Nick paled. "Shit! Kevin!"

"You cursed," JC said. "Santa Claus can't curse."

"Santa Claus is a 16-year-old boyband member who has been away from his hotel for over a day without explanation," Nick said. "I think I can damn well curse if I want to."

"Imagine," Lance said, "what Chris would do if Justin went AWOL."

"Okay," JC said. "You can curse."

"Damn straight."

"Okay, then," Chris said. "We'll go back for now, and then we'll see later."

"No," Lance said.

"Lance-"

"How can you leave?"

"Because I have to. You have to."

"What's going on?" Justin asked. JC nudged him, and Nick clapped a hand over his mouth. Joey pointed to the door, and as one they slipped away.

"She could die," Lance said.

"So could you."

"*So* not relevant!"

"You guys are my responsibility too. Every bit as much as Susan - she has two loving parents who can be with her all day, every day."

"I have parents," Lance said. His eyes were glittering.

"You have me."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you're my family, Lance. You, and JC, and Justin, and Joey. And your future matters too. Susan could die tomorrow, and if she does I'll mourn her, just like I've mourned 33 of my children, 122 of my grandchildren and 416 of my great-grandchildren, 976 of my great-great-grandchildren... you get the picture? But if Susan lives - and believe, I pray she does - I'll have her for 1200 years. I only have you for maybe 90. If I'm lucky."

Lance shook his head. "But I don't believe," he said.

"Just because you don't believe, it doesn't mean it isn't true."

"We're not worth it, Chris. Not worth her *life*."

"We? Or you?"

"If I leave, and something happens. I."

"It's not your fault, Lance. If something happens, and you're not here, it's not. your. fault." Chris reached for Lance, but he pulled away.

"What if I can't get back?"

"You can," Chris said. "It's already inside you. You just have to look."

"I *have* looked. I can't find it Chris, I can't."

Chris hugged him tightly. "Then I'll find it for you."

* * *

Joey pulled Chris aside when they got back to the hotel after rehearsal.

"What's with Lance?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why's he having these issues?"

"I don't know," Chris said. "Maybe you should ask Lance?"

"What were you *doing* this morning?" Joey said. "I thought you guys were all. fixing him."

"There's nothing wrong with him."

"How can you say that? You, of all people?"

"Because I understand. I watch kids grow up all the time, Joe."

"Well, ungrow him up!"

"It's not that simple. There's a *reason* that he's 17 with the soul of a 50-year-old."

"That's what I'm sayin'! What's wrong with him?"

"*Nothing!*"

"What's *with* you two?" JC asked, coming into the room. "Justin just fell asleep."

"Joey's being an asshole."

"I believe that was *you,* Mr. Nothing's-Wrong."

"Nothing IS wrong! It's perfectly normal for human beings to become stupid scary adult people!"

"So now I'm stupid and scary?" Lance said from the doorway.

"Yes," Chris said. "I'm just desensitized. 25 years of living with humans lets me stand in a room without screaming at the sight of you."

"Good to know," Lance said. "I guess I'll just have to lay in a supply of vegetables."

Chris shrieked and hid behind JC. "Save me! Save me from the wrath of the Asparagus-Wielding Arbiter of Doooooooooooooooooom!!"

"Okay," JC said. He threw Chris over his shoulder and pushed by Lance. "It's past his bedtime, I think. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Night," Lance said.

"You haven't seen the last of me, Bass-Master! I will be-ow! JC! That was my head!"

"Maybe if it wasn't so big..." JC said.

"Joe?" Lance asked. "Do you really think there's something wrong with me?"

"It's not that so much," Joey said, staring determinedly at his feet. "It's just. I think *you* think there's something wrong with you."

"You don't understand."

"So make me."

"Why? So you can laugh at me too?"

"Lance, I wouldn't."

"Wouldn't you? Everyone else did. I don't need to have an older brother to know what it would be like."

"Lance-"

"Maybe if *you* had everyone you knew telling you it was wrong, *you* were wrong, you'd have grown up too."

"What was wrong?"

"Nothing," Lance said, tightening his jaw. "Absolutely nothing." He turned around, and went to bed. Before Joey could reach him, the door had slammed shut. There was a distinctive *click* as it locked.

Joey rested his head against it and sighed.

"Damn," he said, and went to wake up Chris.

* * *

Chris wasn't there. Joey looked all over the room. He searched in the bed, under the bed, in the closet. Once, as a joke, Chris had climbed into his coat and slept hanging on his closet door all night. He wasn't there.

Joey flipped on the bathroom lights. Maybe Chris had curled up in the shower. Or under the sink - under the sink was possible.

When Chris wasn't in any of the kitchen cabinets, even the ones he'd have needed a chair to reach, Joey got worried.

"What?" JC asked groggily when Joey woke him up.

"Chris is gone."

"What do you mean, gone?"

"Gone. Missing. Pfft. Puff of air, no Chris."

JC sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. Is the list still there?"

Joey met JC's eyes slowly, and shook his head.

"Shit."

"We should wake up Lance."

"Why?"

"He's the grown up. He'll know what to do."

"He won't know what to do," JC said. "He'll freak. Also, we won't be able to wake him up without waking Justin."

"He said we had 'till Christmas," Joey said. He was really worried now. "That little long-eared freak! I'm gonna kill him. I am. I'm gonna take an expedition to the North Pole, and find his ancient butt and hang it."

"No one ever died from a butt-hanging," Lance said. Joey leapt in the air and shrieked.

"Don't *do* that!"

"What're you doing up?" JC asked nervously.

"I was thirsty. Why are all the cabinets open?"

"I was gonna cook," Joey said.

"With everything we have in the apartment?"

"I couldn't find my recipe book."

"Joe," Lance said, "you don't *use* a recipe book."

"Well, that would explain it then."

"Why are you lying?"

"What?" JC said. "We're not."

"You are. You won't look me in the eye-look, is this about earlier? I'm sorry I blew up, I just. There's stuff that you wouldn't understand and. I had a miserable childhood, okay, and I don't really know how to-"

"Chris is missing," JC said. Joey smacked him.

"Chris is what?"

"Missing," Joey said.

"No."

"Lance-"

"That's not. He didn't give me a *chance*!"

Joey put an arm around him, but Lance twisted away, angry.

"He said he'd *help* me."

"Then he will," JC said. "We don't know that he's gone for good. Maybe he forgot something, or there was an emergency or - what?"

Lance's face had drained of color. He shivered, and tears filled his eyes.

"Susan."

* * *

Lou wouldn't let them cancel their performances, even though Chris was missing and Lance was a walking zombie.

"Business is business," he said, and, "finding the fucking freak."

Justin immediately pulled an innocent-child act, letting his eyes go huge.

"You cursed," he whispered.

"Shit. I mean. Don't tell your mom, kid, and I'll cancel your rehearsal tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Not much good without Chris around, anyway," Lou mumbled. "Now go perform."

They did, although it was weird singing and dancing without Chris' high voice lilting above them. And Lance sounded positively wooden.

After the third show, when they piled back into the van and were driven home, JC insisted Lance tell them everything.

"She's his great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter. His first. She's *tiny,* Jayce. The size of Joey's hand, maybe. But she has these brilliant blue eyes, and she looked and me and I just *knew.* She's so smart, and loving and trusting. She sucked my finger, like I was giving her life, like." Lance stopped, his eyes filled with tears. "She *has* to be okay," he mumbled, and pressed his face against Joey's side.

"Sometimes these things just happen," JC said.

"No! Not to her." Lance looked up earnestly, his voice ragged. "She's *innocent.* She shouldn't be touched by. Anything."

"Then maybe she's being saved from pain," Justin said.

"You don't understand."

Lance turned his face away, burying himself in Joey's shirt, and refused to talk for the rest of the drive. Joey slid a hand up and down his back, not saying anything.

Before the got out of the van, he kissed Lance's hair lightly. Lance looked up at him with tear-stained cheeks, and Joey ran his thumb gently under his eyes.

"Tell me what's wrong?"

Lance wiped his nose with his sleeve.

"Inside."

"Okay," Joey said, slinging an arm over his shoulders. He followed JC and Justin upstairs.

"Why don't we go to Chris' room, and talk in private?"

"Whatever," Lance said dully, but he followed him and locked the door.

"What's going on?" Joey asked.

"I'm gay," Lance said.

* * *

"Okay," Joey said, "and?"

"That's all you can say?"

"Well, I mean, what am I supposed to say? Go you? Woo-hoo? I think I still have the rainbow flag my mom gave me on my 17th birthday, but it's probably in storage back in Florida."

"You-you."

"Yeah," Joey said, "well. Bi, anyway. I still like women, just. Y'all are cute too.

Lance blushed.

"So what's the big deal?"

"Didn't. I mean, when you grew up, wasn't it."

Light dawned in Joey's eyes. "I went to a performing arts school Lance. Half the guys there were queer."

"Yeah."

"I take it things weren't so easy for you?"

"Everyone seemed to just. Assume. And okay, so I can now hit better than most people I know, but God says we're not supposed to *hate,* you know?"

"I don't think your mother wanted you to get beaten up every day," Joey said.

"No, not, like that. But. Well, the physical stuff stopped pretty quickly, when Dad taught me to fight."

"The verbal abuse is worse sometimes, isn't it?"

Lance sat on Chris' bed, and rubbed his knee thoughtfully. "They said all this stuff. I'm going to Hell. I'm evil. I'm... I dunno. You just. Start to believe it. Can't *help* but believe it."

"You're not evil," Joey said.

"Ask Chris whether or not I'll be getting coal in my stocking, and then report back to me."

"Chris was joking." Joey sat next to Lance, slid an arm around his waist. "Chris is an idiot."

"Even idiots can be right."

"But he wasn't. Lance, you're not evil, and you're not going to Hell. It's okay to be homosexual, it's okay to love other people, other men. And it's okay to be young, and hurt, and cry about it."

"Yeah," Lance said softly.

"Lance?" Joey said, when the tears had subsided and Lance was just breathing heavily against his neck.

"Mm?"

"What does this have to do with Chris great-great-great-granddaughter?"

"Great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter."

"Yeah. That."

"She's innocent, Joe. She's everything."

"She's fine," Chris said, materializing beside them.

* * *

"Where have you *been*?" Joey asked.

"Working. I *did* have the list to finish. Why? Ya miss me?"

"I thought... I thought she died," Lance said.

Chris shook his head, his hair flying out and flicking Lance's nose. "Nope. In fact, she gained 1/2 ounce!"

"That's not very much," Joey said.

"It is when you're baby elf-sized," Lance said.

"So what's with the locked door?"

"We were talking."

"And therefore had to take over my room?"

"Well," Joey said, "it's not like you were here to use it."

"Oh, I see. I go away for a day and all of a sudden my stuff is up for grabs. You're probably just staking out my stereo, right?"

"We were talking," Joey said.

"When Chris gets sent back, I'm gonna grab his Indigo Girls CDs!" Chris said, imitating JC. "No! That's crunk! I totally have dibs on his stuff!"

"I'm gay," Lance said.

"Okay," Chris said. "You still can't have Swamp Ophelia."

"I don't *like* Indigo Girls!" Lance said.

"What kind of gay man *are* you?"

"I don't like Indigo Girls either," Joey said.

"You're weird. You don't count."

"*I'm* weird? You're the one who had to have corrective ear surgery before joining human society!"

"Pfft! I scoff at your small round ears! Scoff, scoff I say!"

"Some of prefer not to look like midget Spocks!"

Chris tackled Joey. "Take it back! Take it back!"

"Never! I bet you joined us here on earth because the Vulcans rejected you for being stupid!"

"Philistine!"

"You people!" Lance said. He unlocked the door and stomped from the room.

"You run, but you can't hide!" Chris yelled. He rolled off Joey and leapt on Lance's back.

"Chris!" Justin said, running into the living room. "You came back!"

"So little faith," Chris said. "Did you think I wouldn't?"

JC laughed. "Nick says-"

"Nick is a fat windbag who wouldn't know a singing group if they danced on his stomach! Chris Kirkpatrick knows all!"

"Oh mighty Kirkpatrick," Joey said, "will you answer a question for me?"

"Seek, and ye shall receive."

"How are you going to explain to Lou why you missed three performances today?"

"I think," Chris said, "that it's time for sleep. Let go of me, Lansten"

"I think you should be punished," Lance said.

"It's true," JC said, "that we could've lost a lot of ground today."

"Think of Christmas!" Chris said. "Think of the children!"

"Think of all that extra celery Lynn left us for snacks," Joey said.

"No!" Chris said. "Anything but the crunchy cellophane of Satan!"

"Okay," Justin said.

"Really?"

"Sure. I'll just go peel some carrots."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Next time," Lance said, "tell us when you're gonna leave."

"Not carrots," Chris said. "They help your *eyesight*."

"Next time," Joey said, "tell us when you're gonna leave."

"They're filled with *beta-carotene*."

"Next time," JC said, "tell us when you're gonna leave."

"They're giant orange rabbit daggers!"

"Next time," Justin said, forcing a carrot into Chris' mouth, "tell us when you're gonna leave."

Chris whimpered.

* * *

"I think," Joey told Chris a few days later, "I think Lance is getting better."

"There was nothing wrong with him," Chris said.

"There was, though. He thought that it-"

Chris held up a hand. "Whatever you're about to say should come from Lance, not you."

Joey blushed. "I just worry about him."

"Plus," Chris said, "it's nice to have another gay guy in the group."

"What? No!"

"Please, Joseph. A blind man would have seen you checking out his ass yesterday."

"I didn't!"

"You did."

"I didn't!"

"You did."

"I di-you're never gonna shut up about this, are you?"

Chris shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. "Nope."

"Okay," Joey said, "I did. But I'm not gonna *do* anything about it."

"Why not?"

"Hello? Group."

"Hello?" Chris said, "Idiot."

"It could totally fuck us over."

"He could totally fuck you over."

"Chris!"

"Joe, life is short. Well, your life is short, anyway. Life is short, Lance is cute, and the girls in Germany don't shave. Go for it."

"I don't know if he's ready."

"Well," Chris said, "I admit that that's a valid point."

"*Thank* you."

"You're still an idiot."

"What?!"

"Well, what the fuck are you telling *me* for? Talk to Lance. Maybe he knows better than you if he's ready or not."

"Maybe you could shut up."

"If all you want is a pat on the head and the knowledge that you're right, don't come to me for advice. I am Crazy Chris Kirkpatrick. I heed no man."

"Well, you're crazy, anyway."

"When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."

"Chris! You can quote Hamlet!"

"Sure," Chris said. "Of course, it's not the same in translation."

"Translation?"

"Well, you haven't read Shakespeare until you've read him in the original Klingon."

Joey laughed. "I knew you were a mini-Vulcan!"

"Am not! I am a great warrior, from a warrior race!"

"You *wish*, Kirkpatrick!"

"Do not insult mine honor, human. My wrath is mighty and unmatched."

"Your insanity, you mean."

"You will pay for that," Chris said. He pulled an asparagus out of his pocket. "En Guarde!"

Joey plucked the vegetable from him and ate it.

Chris narrowed his eyes. "I won't forget this," he said.

"Forget what?" Lance asked, coming in from the kitchen.

"Joey's macking on your hot body." Chris whooped, and ran to his bedroom.

"What?" Lance said.

Joey sighed.

* * *

"It's nothing," Joey said. "Just, you know. You're hot."

Lance laughed.

"I'm serious, Lance."

"Right! And Justin's really the toothfairy."

"You *are,* okay? It doesn't have to, like, mean anything, but you don't have to get hysterical either."

"You're serious," Lance said.

"I know I'm not a great catch or anything," Joey said, scowling, "but you could *believe* me."

"Joe-"

"I mean, sure, maybe you like cod, and I'm rainbow trout, but you could at least *look* first."

"Joe-"

"You don't have to just reject me straight from the ocean. There's lots of fish in the sea, Lance, but I'm just as worthy as -"

"Joe!"

"What?"

"It so happens," Lance said, "that I'm rather fond of rainbow trout."

"Really?"

"Well." Lance blushed. Joey tipped his chin up, looked into his eyes. "Really."

"About fucking time!" Chris said. "Now kiss already!"

"Didn't you run away?" Joey asked.

"Justin needs oatmeal. Don't ask."

"Justin hates oatmeal," Lance said.

Chris waved a hand. "This should not be stopping the kissage."

"What is Justin going to do with the oatmeal?" Joey asked.

"Nothing. Kiss."

"Chris," Lance said.

"I want a kiss, and I want it now! Don't *make* me get medieval on your ass!"

Joey snorted.

"Oh, you laugh, boy. But you forget - I was alive in the Middle Ages. I remember when husbands would lock their wives in Iron Maidens to ensure chastity during the Crusades. I remember the glory days, when thumbscrews were acceptable punishment and a city without a cathedral was only for infidels!"

"Chris," Lance said.

"I remember when we using switches instead of coal! I remember when lovers would kiss whenever I demanded it, and bowls of oatmeal intended for giving JC a squishy bed were no one's concern!"

"I remember when you disappeared," Joey said, "and everything was peaceful."

"You can't put oatmeal in JC's bed," Lance said.

"But Lance!"

"You can't," Joey said.

"If I promise not to, will you kiss?"

"For JC?" Lance asked.

"For JC," Joey said. He slipped a hand behind Lance's head, and pulled him closer. Lance tipped his head back, and closed his eyes. Joey smiled, and brushed their lips together. He prodded gently with his tongue, and Lance opened for him. Their tongues slid across each other, tasting each other, enjoying each other. Joey felt like he could kiss Lance forever.

"Oh, yeah, baby!" Chris said.

They pulled apart suddenly, blushing.

"Thanks!"

"What do you think you're doing?" Joey asked.

"What?"

"You have a box of oatmeal under your arm, Chris, don't think I don't see it."

"Yeah, and? Your point?"

"You promised," Lance said.

"I promised *I* wouldn't put oatmeal in JC's bed. I didn't say nothing about Justin."

"Chris," Joey said, "hand it over."

"Make me."

Lance leapt for Chris. Chris dodged to his right, and started running towards Justin's room.

"Can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!"

"You're a dead man, is what you are!" Joey shouted.

"Curly! Let me in!"

Chris sprinted into Justin's room and slammed the door behind him.

"Well," Lance said, "there's only one thing to do now."

"What?"

"Sprinkle Chris' bed with vegetable oil, of course. What?"

"I'm in love with an evil genius," Joey said.

Lance blushed.

* * *

Diane had pulled a fit their first year together, and forced Lou to give them the entire week of Christmas off. It was one of the perks they'd held onto, even now that Lance was 18 and Diane didn't tour with them. Even with Lynn in the States, because she was still only a phone call away and no one was going to make her boys work when every other school-age child in the Western world was on vacation. So Lance shouldn't have been entirely shocked to wake up with Chris peering into his face, slapping his cheeks and chanting "Up, up, up!" but since it was impossible to predict what Chris would do, ever, it was a bit of a surprise.

"Oh good," Chris said, "you're awake."

Lance rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

"No, no, no. You need festive clothing!"

"Festive?"

"A green shirt, at least. Red, maybe. Something with 'Merry Christmas' and a snowman on it."

"I don't own tacky clothing, Chris."

"Borrow from JC then."

"Why?"

"Ask not these petty questions," Chris said loftily.

"Would shut the fuck up?" Justin asked, rolling over.

"Ah!" Chris said. "His Highness awakes!"

"Mmph."

"Justin Timberlake, you get your ass out of bed this instant, young man!"

"Chris, leave him alone," Lance said.

"Nope."

"A cranky Justin is an evil Justin."

"A sleeping Justin doesn't get to meet Rudolph."

Justin shot out of bed. "Rudolph is *here?*"

"No, silly. What would he be doing in Germany?"

"We're going back?" Lance said.

"Well, duh. I don't know about *you,* but *I'm* not going to miss the 835th Annual Reindeer Games."

"Say what?" Justin said.

"The 835th Annual Reindeer Games. Dude. It *rocks.* It puts Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve to shame."

"Like that's hard," Lance said.

Chris gaped. "You did *not* just dis Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve."

"Chris, the man is, like, 90."

"So?"

"So he has old guy taste in music."

Chris pushed Lance back onto his bed, eyes blazing. "Now you listen to me, whippersnapper. I happen to be 725, and I have better taste in music than either you *or* the little frosted mini-wheat over there-"

"What did *I* do?" Justin asked. "And hey! Frosted mini-wheat?"

"Shut up," Chris said, "I'm defending my honor. Just because you dare to hate the greatest empowerment song of the last 100 years-"

"'Stayin' Alive' is a stupid song, Chris-"

"'Stayin' Alive' is a visionary masterpiece!"

"Chris," Justin said, "it's disco."

"Right," Chris said, "forget it. I knew you didn't *really* want to meet Rudolph."

"Then again, what do I know? I'm just a rice krispie, right?"

"Frosted mini-wheat," Chris said. "Rice krispies are elves."

Lance snorted.

"You! You, you... vegetable-wielding maniac! You room-cleaner-upper! You garbage-taker-outer! You payer of bills!"

"Yes?" Lance said calmly.

"Go borrow a sweater from JC."

* * *

"This is a madhouse," Joey said, winding his way through a crowd of elves.

"Well, at least we won't have trouble spotting each other," JC said.

It was true. Even Chris stood a good 6 inches taller than any other elf.

"So first," Chris was saying as he poured over a schedule with Justin, "we have to go to the betting booth."

"Betting?" Joey asked. "Elves bet?"

"Sure. This is the best place to stock up for the holidays," Chris said. "I mean, where else are you gonna find tan m&ms?"

"You use m&ms?" Joey said.

"You use *tan* m&ms?" JC said.

Chris nodded smugly. "We make them specially for the occasion. See, brown is worst, then red, then orange, yellow, then green, and then tan is the best."

"What about blue?" Joey asked.

Chris stared at him. "Blue m&ms," he said, "are a tool of the devil."

"What do we do after betting?" Justin asked.

"Then we can go hang with Rudy for a bit before he has to prepare."

"You call him Rudy?" JC asked.

"Well, he was the shortest little reindeer fawn you ever saw, and no one thought he'd make the team, and then everyone loved him."

"And after we meet the Red-Nosed Hero?" Joey said.

"Then we go grab good seats in the grandstand, and you can meet my family, and we have lunch, and watch the races. The balloon toss is the best."

"How do reindeer toss balloons?" Justin asked.

Chris smiled. "That's why it's the best. Then there's the carnival rides, and the games, and then dinner and home."

"Is there a Ferris Wheel?" Joey asked.

"Yes. But you won't enjoy it."

"I love Ferris Wheels!"

"Dude. It's giant for elves."

"Oh. Hey! Is that why you're afraid of heights?"

"I am *not* afraid of heights."

"Chris-"

"I have a *phobia*, okay? Not a fear, a *phobia*. And if y'all didn't live in a huge-ass world, it wouldn't be an issue!"

"Can we get started?" Justin asked. "We're gonna miss all the fun if you two stand around arguing."

Chris sighed dramatically.

"Fine, fine. But only if I get a piggy-back ride."

"I'm sick of carting you around all the time," Joey said. "We didn't have to do it before you turned elf."

"I was always elf," Chris said. "I just hid it well."

"I'll carry you," JC said.

Chris patted him lovingly on the head. "Extra stocking stuffers for you, young man. Right. To the betting booth!"

"Where's Lance?" Justin asked.

"He slipped off a little while ago," Joey said. "He had some stuff to do."

"He's gonna miss all the fun!"

Chris and Joey exchanged a glance. "Don't worry," Chris said, "I'm sure he's enjoying himself."

"Can we gamble already?" Joey said. "I wanna lose me some hard-earned candy."

"Hi Ho, Silver!" Chris shouted. JC took off at a run.

* * *

Lance knocked hesitantly on the door. An elf opened it, and smiled.

"I'm Anakin. You must be Granddad's friend."

"Lance."

"Right. Come on in."

Lance followed Anakin inside, and looked around. It was a new hospital room, with only a few incubators in it. The babies were bigger this time, about the size as human babies. Susan was in the corner. He touched her cheek, and her eyes flew open. She batted at his finger until he slipped it in her mouth and let her suck on it.

"She likes you," Anakin said.

"How can you tell?"

"She cries when most strangers are around. Frightened, we think. Obviously she feels safe with you, though."

Lance blushed. "She's grown so much."

"Most of the ones who're gonna make it do. Either you gain a lot of weight right off, or you just. Fade."

"So she's gonna be okay?"

"We hope so. The first few years are always tough, but it's looking better every day."

"Can I. Hold her?"

Anakin nodded. There was a small rocking chair nearby that Lance just managed to squeeze into. Anakin placed Susan gently in his arms. She looked up at him, and gurgled happily.

"Hey, Susan," Lance said. "I'm a friend of your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Chris. He's a little wacky, but I like him anyway. And you, you are just the sweetest little girl I have ever laid eyes on, yes you are. And you had just better grow up big and strong, and healthy. I'll fill you up with chocolate chip cookies and hot fudge sundaes and frosted flakes, see if I don't."

Susan shifted, turning her face into his chest.

"That's right. I'm gonna take good care of you. I'll visit as often as Chris'll take me, and shower you with presents, and spoil you rotten. You and me, sweetie, you and me."

Anakin smiled, and slipped out, closing the door gently behind him. Lance didn't notice.

"I didn't get to have much of a childhood, sweetie, 'cause. Well, 'cause I didn't. I didn't understand until recently that it's okay to cry, and to hurt, and to love. But I'm going to do my best to make sure that you have everything I didn't. And even though I hope you never hurt, I also hope you love me enough to come to me and cry when you do. And then I'll figure out how we can make it better. Also, I'll teach you how to blackmail your great-great-great-great-great-granddad into doing whatever you want. Because every Christmas, I'm gonna give you a bottle of vegetable oil."

Susan's face crumpled at the word vegetable, as if hatred of all things adult were bred into her before birth. She started to cry.

"Shh," Lance said, rocking her gently. "Shhhh."

She settled a little, hiccuping and rubbing at her eyes, and Lance slipped his finger back in her mouth to calm her. When that didn't work, he started to sing.

"Hush little baby, don't say a word..."

Susan stopped crying and stared up at him, intently.

"Oh, you like that do you? How about this? Here we go, one more time, everybody's feeling fine, here we go now..."

She was way to young for it, but Lance could have sworn he heard her giggle.

* * *

Lance met up with them at the grandstand, while Chris was introducing his family.

"This is my youngest daughter, Jamesina."

A little elf, no more than 3 feet tall, shook their hands.

"Where were *you*?" Justin asked when Lance showed up.

"Doing stuff."

"Dude, you missed Rudolph. I placed 20 tan m&ms on him for the potato sack race. Chris says he kicks *butt!*"

Joey slid an arm around Lance's waist. Lance rested his head against Joey's shoulder, and sighed.

"How was she?" Joey whispered.

"Better. Also, a fan of Europop."

"Well that was handy."

"And these are Castor and Pollux," Chris said.

"Miss me?" Lance asked.

"Like the devil."

"Justin said Rudolph was fun."

"... and Remus..."

"Short. Rudolph was short."

"How short?"

"There's a reason Nick needs 9 reindeer to pull that sleigh."

"... John, Matthew, Luke, Peter, Paul..."

"Does his nose glow all the time, or just in the dark?"

"Pretty much round the clock. JC ended up hanging with Blitzen, and then he and J got in this huge argument over which reindeer is more 'the bomb'."

"What did they decide?"

"They didn't. Cupid threw a fit over being neglected, and we got kicked out of the training area."

"Jane, Lizzie, Kitty..."

"How long has this been going on?"

Joey shrugged. "I lost count after the 6th kid."

"Lance!" Chris said suddenly. "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago."

"I should start over, then."

Joey groaned. Fortunately, the whistle sounded, and they took their seats.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Nick said into a microphone down at field level, "It is my pleasure to welcome you all to the 835th Annual Reindeer Games!"

The crowd applauded politely.

"Now, I know you're anxious to begin, so I won't linger. Instead, let's get on with the races! First, we have the old classic, the 400 meter relay. There are 3 teams for this. The two teams with only 3 members will race one member an extra time. To make for this, the team with 4 members will start 5 seconds late."

A little elf dressed in a black-and-white striped shirt stood up, pop-gun in hand, and pulled the trigger. The reindeer took off.

"Rudolph's gonna whoop Blitzen's *ass,*" Justin said to JC.

"Don't even," JC said. "Blitzen has *twice* the stamina..."

Joey sighed. Lance kissed his cheek.

"It'll be okay," he said.

"How?"

"Well, we only really *need* one tenor, right?"

* * *

"Do we hafta go home already?" Justin asked.

"It's midnight, kid. Way past your bedtime," Joey said.

"But I've only been on the Merry-Go-Round twice!"

"And threw up both times," JC said.

"You! It's because of people like you that Rudolph doesn't get the res-res-res-"

"Respect?" Lance said.

"Thank you. Respect he deserves."

"How much egg nog did he *have*?" Joey asked Chris. Chris shrugged.

"You expect me to keep an eye on these things?"

"Good point," Lance said.

JC picked Justin up. "Let's just leave," he said.

"Didn't you guys have fun?" Chris asked.

"Yes," Joey said. "But we're funned out."

"Humans."

"Exactly," JC said.

"I like it," Lance said. "You have a nice family."

"See, that's why Lance is my favorite," Chris said. "Joe? Carry me?"

Joey snorted. "Carry yourself."

"Fine. Then y'all can just figure out how to get to Germany without me."

"I'll carry you," Lance said.

"See, that's why Lance is my favorite," Chris said.

"Suck up," Justin said.

"Go back to sleep," JC said.

The room filled with white mist.

"This always freaks me out," Joey said.

Chris smirked. "Poor baby. Afraid of a little marshmallow cloud? You should see what we use to freeze time."

"Say *what*?!" JC said.

"Freeze time. Well, how did you *think* Nick got presents to every Christian in the world in one night?"

"Are we home yet?" Justin asked. "I have to puke."

Chris winced. "Can you wait a second, Curly. Just a few seconds more."

The mist dissipated slowly, and JC ran to the bathroom, holding Justin's face away from his shirt.

"Note to self," Chris said, "next time give Justin the virgin egg nog."

"Note to self," Lance said, "never let Lynn know about tonight."

"Note to self," Joey said, wiping futilely at his pants "avoid drunken teen-agers."

Lance hit him.

"Well," Joey said, "you're not drunk, are you?"

"I don't think so."

"Promise?" Joey said.

"Yes."

"Good." He leaned down, and kissed Lance.

"Ew!" Chris said. "You could put me down first!"

Lance dropped him on the floor.

* * *

"Do you think?" Lance asked, "that it would be possible for you to wake me up *without* sitting on me?"

"It's Christmas," Chris said.

Lance sat up and dumped him on the floor.

"Ow!"

"Justin, get up!"

"Mphgwy."

"Justin," Lance said, shaking him, "it's Christmas."

Justin threw the covers back, and hopped out of bed.

"*OW!*" Chris said.

"What're you doing on the floor?"

"Getting stepped on, apparently."

"Are JC and Joey awake yet?"

"It's 5:30 in the morning," Lance said. "Somehow, I doubt it."

"Well," Chris said, "let's get to it."

Justin picked him up off the floor, slinging Chris over his shoulder.

"Hey! I can walk, ya know."

"Since when?" Lance asked. He bopped Chris on the nose, and bounced out of the room singing "Christmas Christmas Christmas!"

They marched into Joey and JC's room, Lance still humming under his breath. Justin threw Chris onto JC's stomach.

"Oof! Chris! Get off!"

"'s Christmas," Chris said.

JC sat up, pushing Chris to the floor.

"Ow! What is with you people?"

"Wanna see presents," JC said.

"Oh yeah?" Chris said, following him into the living room. "What makes you think Santa brought you anything, huh?"

"Maybe," Joey said, "the fact that the tree is overflowing with gifts."

"What happened?" Justin asked. "I thought he was pissed at us about the reindeer brawl."

"Dude," Chris said, "that was over a week ago. Now shoo! Open stuff."

They dove for the tree, passing presents back and forth and laughing happily.

"Where're Chris'?" Lance asked.

Chris shook his head. "I make 'em, I don't get 'em."

"That's not fair," Justin said. "You should get presents too."

"My present is this."

JC threw a pillow at him. "Corny much?"

"I have Dani. I have children, and grandchildren, and great, great-great, great-great-great, and great-great-great-great-grandchildren. My first great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter went home last night. What do I need material possessions for?"

Justin took his new bucket hat off his head. "I feel kinda bad now."

Chris kicked him. "Don't. You're supposed to enjoy it all. It's what I, and my family, and hundreds of other elves worked all year for. For you."

"Really?"

"Really. So open. Enjoy. Make a mess."

Justin laughed, and turned back to his pile of presents.

Dani materialized by Chris and rested her head on his shoulder. "Humans are so sweet sometimes."

"Aren't they?" he said. "Check 'em out."

Joey and Lance were kissing quietly behind the tree.

"He looks happy," she said.

"He is."

Dani smiled, and kissed Chris' cheek.

"Well," she said, "I guess that makes it 43."