"What's up, guys?"

"We wanted to talk to you," Brian said. Brian looked... determined, was the only word AJ could think of. His eyes were set on AJ's face, his mouth steady, and he refused to look away when AJ laughed bitterly.

"Talk?" he said. Howie had the grace to blush, and look away. Nick, who was sitting quietly in the corner, legs drawn up to his chest, rested his head on his knees. If AJ didn't know better, he'd have thought Nick was scared. But Nick never had to be scared of anything - they'd seen to that.

"It's getting out of hand," Kevin said. AJ glanced at him. He was still standing in front of the door, his arms crossed. His hair was pulled back, so AJ could see his fierce eyes, the grim set of his face, the way he clearly didn't want to be doing this, but felt he had no other choice.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't you?" Kevin asked.

AJ shrugged. "I haven't fucked anything up, have I?"

"Just you," Howie said.

"Bravo, Howie. I never thought I'd see the day when you had balls enough to say that."

Howie flinched. "Don't," Nick begged in a choked voice. It pissed AJ off. What the fuck did *Nick* have to be worried about?

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want, Carter."

"If you won't stop for your own sake," Brian said, "think of the fans."

"The fans eat it up. I'm Backstreet's bad boy, remember?"

"You don't have to be," Nick said.

AJ laughed. "If you're young enough to think that, you're too young for this conversation."

That did the trick. Nick shot out of his martyr pose, and glared at AJ. "Maybe I'm only 21, but at least I know how to hold my liquor."

"Nick--" Howie said.

AJ leaned against the wall, calling up his most bored expression. "Let the child finish, Howard. It might be amusing."

"Oh, fuck you," Nick spat. "You think you have a patent on pain? Whatever the fuck your problem is, get over it. Because you have no right to hurt us like this?"

"Hurt *you*?" AJ said, and he was maybe beginning to feel a tickling of surprise, and, of course, his ever present self doubt.

"You think we like watching you stumble home at 3 in the morning, drunk off your ass? You think we *enjoy* watching you destroy yourself? Cheapen yourself?"

"I don't see how its any of your business what I do, as long as I'm ready to smile pretty for the camera come morning."

"Of course it's our business!" Nick shouted.

"Guys," Howie said, "we agreed not to do it like this."

"Oh, so you've been planning this little shindig for awhile now?"

"Shut up and listen," Kevin said.

"Why the fuck should I?"

"Because you're not getting out of this room until we've all spoken our piece," Brian said.

"Let's sit," Howie said. "The pamphlets said to sit in a circle, so we're all equals."

"Which is why I'm being held here against my will."

"Sit," Nick said, and pointed to a chair. AJ sat. He kind of wanted to hear this anyway. Let them list all the ways he'd fucked up their existence. At least he'd know then, have it all in the open. Maybe he could add an incident or two to their lists, things they'd long since forgotten, but which had stuck in his memory like burrs, and refused to be brushed away.

"Howie, why don't you start?" Kevin said.

"I love you," Howie said, looking straight into AJ's eyes. "You're one of my brothers, my best friends. My family. I've already lost one sibling, and. I don't want to lose you, too, AJ. I can't just sit here, watching you slip away. Watching you kill yourself on purpose. You hurt me in so many ways you don't even know about. Every time you go out and come home wasted, not necessarily from alcohol alone. Every groupie you fuck in the back of a club, just begging for someone to catch you. Every cigarette you smoke, every drink you take, every time I lose a piece of you and I can't stand it. I won't. I refuse to. I'm can't let you do this to me, let you take yourself away from us, and I shouldn't have to. Alcoholism is a disease, AJ. Let us treat you, let us help you. I *know* you can get better, I'm sure of it."

"I'm not alcoholic," AJ said. "How many days have I wanted to? I don't drink because I have to, Howard. I drink because I want to. I enjoy it."

"It's killing you."

AJ shrugged. "Let it."

"Suicide is a sin," Brian said.

"Ah, lovely. I was waiting for the God angle."

"Shut up," Kevin said. "Go ahead, Bri. We're listening."

"Suicide is a sin," Brian said again. "I worry about you, AJ. We all do. Do you even realize what you're doing to yourself?"

"Heading straight for the fires of Hell," AJ said.

"And that doesn't bother you at all?"

"Why should it? You guys'll be there with me, you know. It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Not to mention a gay rich man. Two strikes against me there. We'll have a merry little bonfire, Bri, and we'll all burn in Hell for eternity. I'll just have had more fun along the way. Unless you plan on giving all your money to the Justin Timberlake foundation?"

"Shut the fuck up," Kevin said.

"I think I have the right to respond."

"I think you lost all rights when you started going out and getting plastered every night," Nick said. "Bri? You wanna finish?"

"You're a good man, AJ, if you'll only let yourself be. You love your mom, your family. You used to love us. And we still love you, if you'd only see it. Let us help you. If not for the sake of your soul, then because it'll make your life on earth last longer."

"Only the good die young," AJ quipped.

"You done, Bri?" Kevin asked. Brian nodded, and Kevin turned to Nick.

"Don't think I haven't tried to hate you these past few months," Nick said. "I have. And sometimes I succeeded, and I hated you so much that you're damn lucky Kevin's in this band too, or I would've walked ages ago. When I see what you do to yourself, to the big brother I loved and looked up to, I want to cry. It's. It's fucking pitiful, AJ, and it makes me so *angry*, because it doesn't have to be like this. I don't know what your problem is, but whatever it is it can't be worth killing yourself over, and it certainly can't be worth what you put Kevin and Brian and Howie and yes, me too, through. Because we don't deserve it, whatever you may think. All we ever did was care about you, and if you cared even half as much, you'd see that and fucking *stop* already."

AJ was out of his seat before Nick had finished, his eyes blazing. He had never understood the expression before, but he was seeing red now. Before he knew what was happening, he had Nick against the wall, holding him by his shirt collars. Brian and Kevin were pulling his arms as he screamed, "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Shut the fuck up before I kill you, you fucking punk."

Howie grabbed Nick's arm when Nick lunged forward, but Nick just turned around and punched the wall. AJ actually *heard* the bones in his hand crunching, breaking, but Nick just sat in his chair, cradling his hand. "Let's finish this," he said.

AJ shrugged out of Brian's hands, and turned to Kevin. "Well?" he said. "It's your turn, right Kev? Go ahead, big brother. Tell me how I've fucked the group again. How I don't care about any of you. How I'm endangering our popularity. How it's unfair to the others. It's been a couple of years, I think I've forgotten the lecture by now. Of course, I was too busy trying to protect them all, so what do I know? It probably went in one ear and out the other, right? I'm just a punk, an idiot, a stupid kid. Oh no, wait. That last one doesn't apply anymore. Well then. I guess there's a whole new lecture lined up, just waiting to happen."

Kevin's eyes flashed. For a second AJ thought Kevin was going to take a swing at him too, and then he realized the look on Kevin's face was sadness, not anger.

"Is that what this is about?"

"Worthless little piece of shit, was the phrase I think you used."

"I was twenty-two," Kevin said.

"I was fifteen."

"Alex-"

"I was *fifteen*, Kevin. Fifteen, and growing up practically on the streets, and already knowing I was gay. You think I had a fucking *choice*? You think I was gonna let that fat bastard lay one *finger* on Nick? Or even Brian?"

"What are you talking about?" Howie asked softly.

"Lou," AJ said bitterly. "I'm talking about Lou, and blowjobs, and Kevin telling me I was gonna ruin your careers."

"It was the only way I could think of to get you to stop," Kevin said. "I look back on that moment every day of my life, Alex, and every day I wish I'd done something different."

AJ shrugged.

"Wait, what?" Nick asked. Brian hit him, and Howie murmured "Shhhh." Everyone's eyes were on Kevin.

"I was twenty-two, and I wanted to be a singer so badly, but I had no idea. I wasn't ready for any of it. And especially not to. To be a father for three teen-agers."

"I didn't want a *father*," AJ said with a short, sharp laugh. "God, Kev, the *last* thing I've wanted for years was a father. I wanted a brother. And you weren't. There." He wasn't going to cry. He was damned if he was going to cry. He hadn't cried over his dad, he hadn't cried for Lou, he was fucking well not gonna cry now.

"I'm here now," Kevin said. He pulled AJ into a close, tight hug, and whispered, "I'm here now."

AJ shuddered, and clung. "I don't know if I can stop," he choked out, his face buried against Kevin's neck.

"Sure you can," Kevin said. And maybe he could, if they were with him. "We're here," Kevin said again. "Please, Alex. Let us help you. Please."

AJ smiled.
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