My contribution to the Slash Across America challenge. Thanks go to WQ and JM for actually knowing cool facts about the towns mentioned herein. Especially Crawfordsville. Apologies go to anyone actually from Iowa.

"JC," Justin said calmly, "Spillville, Crawfordsville, and Primghar are all in completely different areas of Iowa."

"I don't care," JC said stubbornly. "I want to see them all."

"But, Jayce," Chris said, "it's *Iowa.*"

"There are cool things in Iowa!"

"Name three," Justin said.

JC beamed. "Spillville, Crawfordsville, and Primghar."

Justin rolled his eyes.

"No, see, look. Anton Dvorak spent his 50th birthday in Spillville."

Chris nodded helpfully.

"Dvorak," JC said. "The composer. Czech composer?"

"I can compose checks," Chris said. "Pay to the order of Chris Kirkpatrick--"

"And in Primghar, they have these cool figure-8 car races--"

"One million, 500 thousand, 763 dollars--"

"Also, there's this long history of wrangling over whether it should be the county seat--"

"Wrangling?" Justin asked.

JC shrugged. "It's West-ish."

"What about Crawfordsville?" Chris asked. "You said it was cool too."

"Crawfordsville," JC said smugly, "was the answer to my Games Magazine contest. 52621. Crawfordsville, Iowa."

Justin sighed.

"Dammit," Chris said, and got on the phone to Lance.

* * *

"Well," Lance said, "it wouldn't really takes us out of the way to go through Crawfordsville instead of around it. But Primghar and Spillville are nowhere near our route."

"We have days and days and days to get to the next concert, though," JC said.

"Yes, but Jayce, we were going to stop at St Louis for a baseba... please don't cry."

"I wanna see Primghar! They have a poem about Primghar! It was named after the first 8 founders!"

"Well," Joey said, "I guess that seals it."

Lance rolled his eyes while Chris frantically shook his head. JC started to cry.

"I know," he said, "you're right. I'm just. It's dumb, and stupid, and no one c-c-cares a. about m-my cul-cul-cultural..." He trailed off, unable to speak over his tears. Chris pet his hair gently while Justin glared at Joey.

"It's okay," Lance said. "We can stop. Really, Jayce. Joey doesn't even *like* baseball, you know." He elbowed Joey in the stomach.

"I don't!" Joey said. "I don't like sports. And I wanna hear about all your cultural interests. We all do."

"We do," Justin said, and Chris murmured something affirmative. JC lifted his head from Chris' lap and beamed at them all, his eyes shining.

"Iowa's really cool," he said. "You'll see."

* * *

It wasn't.

* * *

"I don't understand," JC said unhappily. "Spillville isn't in my Green Guide."

"You bought a Green Guide for Iowa?" Lance said.

"They *make* a Green Guide for Iowa?" Justin said.

JC pouted. "No. I had to buy the one for the US. But I was *certain* they'd mention Spillville under Iowa. Dvorak spent his fiftieth *birthday* here. When he got back to New York, he said he wanted to spend the rest of his *life* here."

"Dude," Joey said, "the *composer* Dvorak?"

Chris glared at him, before putting a proprietary arm around JC's shoulders. "I'll buy you tourist brochures," he said. "They must have some in the hotel."

JC grinned and dragged Chris downstairs.

"Suck up," Joey muttered as they walked away.

* * *

Crawfordsville, if it was possible, was even more boring than Spillville. They *did* have a little sign that said "Welcome to Crawfordsville, answer to the Games Magazine contest for October, 2001. Current population: 256" but that was about it.

"At least," Joey muttered to Lance, "in Spillville there were places Dvorak, like, slept, and stuff."

Lance rolled his eyes. "You don't even know who Dvorak is."

"I do too! He's a famous composer. From Czecholslovakia. Anthony, or something."

"Anton," Chris said. "He was famous for such works as Slavonic Dances and From the New World which he wrote in New York City in 1893, while director of the National Conservatory."

Joey glared at him. "You only know that," he said, "because you hogged JC all day in Spillville."

"Not true. I took a class on famous composers as part of my course of musical studies in college. I could also tell you that Igor Fydorovitch Stravinsky, who was born in Russia, is most famous for his Rites of Spring which, despite fundamentally altering the entire basis of modern music, was badly received when first produced in 1913, to the point that it caused rioting. Some of the later works of Charles Koechlin show a remarkable influe--"

"All right, all right! I give," Joey said. "You win."

"What do you give? What do I win?"

"The knowledge that you're superior?"

"Aw. That's no fun."

Joey shrugged. "Well. What do you *want* me to give?"

Chris grinned.

"Oh," Joey said. "I thought, you know. Jayce."

"You too," Chris said. He grabbed Lance by the wrist when he tried to sneak out. "You too."

Lance swallowed. Hard.

* * *

Justin stared at the sign. "The only Primghar in the world. Well, yeah, I should hope so."

"You have no cultural appreciation," JC said huffily.

"It's not. Jayce. I just. Pumphrey?"

"It was the man's *name,* Justin."

"Well if you're so pissed with me, why didn't you take Chris?"

"He's busy."

"We're in Iowa, C. What can he possibly be doing?"

"Having sex with Lance and Joey. Come on, I wanna see the racetrack."

"Woah, wait. Hold up."

"What?"

"Chris and Lance and Joey are all having sex?"

"Yes."

"And we're going to look at a *racetrack*?"

"It's really cool! It's a figure 8, see, and. Justin. Justin, put me down. Justin!"

"Two words, C. Group. Orgy."

JC sighed. "Philistine."

* * *

JC stared out the bus window, watching the border sign for Iowa disappear. "I liked Iowa," he muttered unhappily.

"We all did," Chris said. "Now get over it."

"But--"

"Now," Justin said.

"I never even got to--"

"Now," Lance said.

"And then there--"

"Now," Joey said.

"No cultural appreciation whatsoever."

"I appreciate you," Chris said.

"Oh. Well. I suppose that's okay."

"Damn straight," Justin said, and, "Fuck me?"

JC was happy to comply.