Ah, Shoop Shoop. My girl!Kevin story. Of all my slash stories, the only one I hold dearer to mine heart than this is the Nick Epic. I heart Nick, a lot. I love him and hug him and squeeze him and call him George Nick. But Kevin, Kevin fascinates me. IÕm not quite sure whyŃI guess. I guess itÕs that itÕs so much harder to get into his head. Nick is my Backstreet OTP. But Kevin is my favorite to try and write.

Thanks go to the fabulous, the fantastic, the one-of-a-kind Eddie for beta, and to Velma and Kelilah for letting me throw snippets at their heads while I wrote, and not yelling at me for wanting to kick Nick and stuff. ::mwah::

And extra thanks to weird_one, for wanting commentary!

If you want to know
If he loves you so
It's in his kiss
That's where it is
-The Shoop Shoop Song

What bothered Kevin was not so much that Kris had left, as what she had left behind.

Him.

Alone.

He hadn't told anyone about the separation, because. Well, Howie had his million and one businesses, and Nick had his solo career, and Brian had his baby, and AJ had his wedding, and here he was, getting divorced.

And, apparently, turning into a woman.

See, this was my. The whole girl! phenomenon produced some really great stories, but I wanted a reason behind mine. I mean, obviously, I have to get rid of Kris or itÕs cheating, plus thereÕs the whole femslash angle and what have you. But more than that, I didnÕt just want some curse or weirdness where everyone in the family or band or whatever changes gender. Divorce metaphorically castrates. I just turned it into more than a metaphor. But I liked that, because yes, heÕs getting all these weird tender girly feelings from hormones (and a lack of societal pressure to not acknowledge his emotions) but itÕs all. Things coming to a head, things he needs to figure out, possible reasons behind the divorce, all coming out as a result of it. Divorce is a fairly devastating thing, and I canÕt imagine Kevin would just take it in stride. At the same time, though, for him to sit back and let everyone else take care of him... that requires a lot. So this is a way for him to get taken care of but still be Kevin, as well as a way for him to figure everything out about himself and who he is now without just hiding away in his house and moping and wanting Kris to come home. Also, you know. ItÕs a blatant ploy on my part to get him with Nick. But whatever.

He should've figured Kris would tell someone, he supposed, except that mostly what he'd been thinking since she left was that if he could think at all he wasn't drunk enough. And it turned out he had a much lower tolerance now, being fucking female and all, so he could stay pleasantly plastered for quite some time.

"Fuck," Nick said, and Kevin couldn't remember when Nick had arrived, much less two of him, but there they were, "don't you know better than to drink alone?"

"You're not here," Kevin said. He was quite sure of this fact.

"Oh no?" Nick sounded amused. Both of him.

"No," Kevin said firmly. "You're a. A delusion. A creation of my inebri-briated brain. Because you're really in London, or something. And you," he turned to the Nick on the right, "you're in L.A. New York? I don't know. But you're not here. You're promoting."

I really liked the idea of his being so drunk he doesnÕt just see two Nicks, he thinks there are. And in a way, itÕs a continuation of the metaphor of girlhoodŃthereÕs two Nicks, thereÕs the two different halves of his personality, thereÕs the Nick whoÕs off doing his solo stuff, and thereÕs the Nick whoÕs worried about his family(families, I should say). Of course, theyÕre really the same Nick, and Kevin is feeling isolated from *both* of them. But thatÕs what the storyÕs aboutŃhis refinding of himself (shut up, thatÕs *so* a word), and his refinding of Nick, and NickÕs realizations about who he is and who Kevin is and. Yeah.

"I'm here," Nick said gently. He took one of Kevin's arms, and the other Nick took the other, and the next thing Kevin knew he was being carried into the bathroom.

"I don't wanna shower," he said as Nick started to undress him. He was being petulant, and he was only ever petulant with his family, never the guys, but he was at home, and Nick wasn't really there anyway, so he was allowed. Plus, he was divorced.

"Holy FUCK!" Nick said.

And female.

Hee. I amuse me.

* * *

He was pretty sober by the time the guys could get there -- with a hangover, but through the searing pain he felt every time he opened his eyes, he could tell there was only one Nick present. He didn't ask what happened to the other one.

See, again, with the two Nicks. Because heÕs sober enough to realize at this point that thereÕs only one Nick, but metaphorically...

"You okay?" AJ asked, and that was pretty much the dumbest question Kevin had heard all week. "Oh, hey," AJ said, and slipped an arm around Kevin's shoulders, "hey now, don't cry."

"I'm not," Kevin snapped. "Just because I'm a fucking girl it doesn't mean I'm a fucking *girl*."

"Woman, man, or dancing bear, you're still divorced," AJ said. He rubbed Kevin's arm lightly.

"It was. We had reasons," Kevin said. "Good reasons," he said.

AJ shifted a little closer. "Still hurts like fuck all, though, don't it?"

Kevin nodded, feeling miserable. His heart ached, his head ached, his eyes were *killing* him, and -- "Hey!" He grabbed AJ's hand and had it twisted around before he knew what he was doing.

"Fuck! Kev, ow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"You felt me up," Kevin said.

"I won't," AJ said, "never again. I'm sor--ow!"

"You got me upset," Kevin said, twisting harder, "and pretended to comfort me, and fucking felt. me. up."

See, this serves to do two things: First, it reinforces that even though this is still *Kevin*, and everyone knows that, they all feel like itÕs almost not Kevin, because heÕs female. And that isolates him from the guys. Second, it gets Kevin to concentrate on something Š someone Š other than himself. Which, as any good Backstreet Boy knows, is the best way to get Kevin out of the doldrums. Make him worry about you, instead.

"Don't break his hand," Brian said. "He'll need it, after you tell Sarah."

"Shit!" AJ said, "Kev, Kev, please. I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, don't tell, please don't tell."

Kevin released his wrist, but continued to glare at him. "I thought you were happy with her."

"I am," AJ said. "It's just, you know. You were right there. And, I mean." AJ gestured with his hands. "*Right* there."

Kevin narrowed his eyes. "So, what? What are you saying?"

AJ coughed. Howie and Brian glanced at each other.

"You," Brian said.

"She's your cousin," Howie said.

"He!" Kevin said. "*He*'s Brian's cousin! I'm still a he!"

"Kevin," Brian said. "Kevin. Listen to what I'm about to say in the full knowledge that if you hurt me, my mother will beat you down, okay? You can think of yourself as a he all you like, but, Jesus Christ, man. You've got breasts."

"And no dick," Nick added. The other three stared at him. "What?" he said defensively. "Someone had to make him shower and change."

"You let Nick strip you," AJ said, "and didn't break *his* wrist?"

"Your wrist's not broken. And Nick didn't feel me up."

"Nick's gay."

"I am not!"

Okay, so mostly I found this exchange funny, but I also wanted to slip in, right away, the fact that Nick is not attracted to men. He will become attracted to girl!Kevin because of the female shell, and will love her/him because dude, itÕs *Kevin*, but the whole man thing *is* going to be an issue. Whatever AJ says.

AJ snorted. "You stripped a woman down, tossed her in the shower, dried her off, dressed her, and didn't feel her up once?"

"I'm not a woman!" Kevin shouted. "I'm NOT!"

"Okay," Howie said soothingly. He wrapped an arm around Kevin, carefully avoiding his chest, and swept a hand up and down his back. "We know," he said.

"I'm not," Kevin said, but he dropped his head to Howie's shoulder anyway, and let himself be soothed.

"Chicks," AJ muttered. Brian smacked his shoulder.

"It's just." Kevin swallowed, trying to gain control of his emotions, because even if he *was* going through a divorce, he was still. Him. It was only hormones, because women, women had hormones, raging ones, that was all. And he didn't need to break down in front of the guys, or anything, even if his wife had left him and his dick had left him and the one would never return and the other was gone indefinitely. "What are we gonna do?" he asked.

"It's gonna be cool," Nick said. "I've got everything figured out."

I love capable!Nick. I think we as fans have a tendency to make Nick helpless because he was the baby, and we have a tendency to write the Boys as thinking of Nick as helpless, and I think both are exaggerations. Not that they wonÕt make fun of him, but heÕs not, you know. An idiot.

AJ turned a snort into a cough when Nick glared at him.

"See," Nick said, "we just get you fake ID, we can call you, I dunno, like, Katherine, or something. And we say you're a dancer, and that's how you met us, and you can come on tour with me as my girlfriend, so you don't have to be alone."

Plus, see, his first priority in his plan is not dealing with KevinÕs image, itÕs dealing with *Kevin* -- figuring out a way that Kevin will be watched over/taken care of/not alone during this whole thing.

"What will Kevin Richardson be doing?" Howie asked. "This isn't gonna help the break-up rumors."

"Kevin Richardson is taking the opportunity of the break to return to the wilds of Kentucky, to his boyhood home, and commune with nature."

"You make him sound like a freak," Brian said, grinning.

"Well, yeah." Nick winked. "It *is* Kevin"

They have to take their digs where they can get Ōem.

"Shut up," Kevin muttered.

AJ rubbed his wrist resentfully. "This how you treat *all* your boyfriends?" he said.

Nick hit his shoulder. "Lay off my girl."

"Fuck you both," Kevin said. "I'm dating Howie."

Howie squeaked, and pulled away. "You're a girl," he said.

I <3 gay!Howie. I just really, really do.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Be gay." He turned to Nick, swallowed, and asked, "When does your tour start?"

"Next week, in Tampa." Nick kissed him on the cheek. "See you then, Pumpkin."

Kevin pinched his arm. "Katherine," he said.

"Katherine."

"Man," AJ said, "your girlfriend is a bitch."

Again, getting in the digs. Partly because dude, itÕs Kevin, they have to make fun of him when opportunity presents, and partly because as long as they joke around it makes everything seem more normal.

* * *

"Okay," Nick said when Kevin showed up at his house, "you can't be my girlfriend if you're gonna dress like that."

"I always dress like this," Kevin said.

"Yeah," Nick said. "I know." He handed Kevin his cellphone. "Call AJ," he said, "or Howie. Or better yet, both of them. You need a major make-over."

"You're being awfully picky," Kevin said.

"You *smell*," Nick said. "Did you even shower after I left?"

"Yes," Kevin said. He had, too. With his clothes on, because he couldn't bear to look in the mirror, but he'd washed his hair -- all eighteen inches of it, because it had grown out at a tremendous rate, and he only hoped it slowed down, or the guys would be calling him Godiva instead of Katherine. But he'd showered, anyway, and technically he'd washed his clothing, too.

"Call them," Nick said.

"Nick."

"Call them."

"Nickolas Gene Carter, let me inside this instant."

Nick crossed his arms, a ghost of a smile playing about his lips. "Make me," he said.

Kevin shoved him, but Nick didn't budge. He'd known Nick was bigger, had been working out, but he ought to have been able to move him anyway. Except he was a girl. A fucking *girl*.

He contemplated kneeing Nick in the groin, but it wasn't Nick's fault he still had a dick.

He tried tickling, but Nick grabbed his wrists and held them over his head -- and promptly made a face. "Shave your armpits, man," he said. "And your legs -- I bet you didn't shave your legs. And Ke-Katherine?"

"*What*?"

"Call them."

See, on the one hand this scene is necessary to set up the big makeover, so we can present knock-out!Kevin. But it also serves to reinforce the whole emasculating thing, that he canÕt get past Nick anymore. HeÕs weaker, literally.

* * *

Shopping for bras was the most humiliating experience of his life.

It turned out he was a B cup, which was pretty good for someone who had been a guy a week ago, but not exactly stacked, as AJ reminded him repeatedly. And loudly.

I also <3 AJ.

On top of that, Howie insisted that he had to get matching underwear, "because Nick likes that."

"I'm not actually dating Nick, you know."

"I know," Howie said. "Get them anyway."

Ah, Howie. With his little machinations. The whole bet thing is one of my favorite parts of this story. You know. That, and the actual romance... shut up.

"But--"

"Dude," AJ said. "Don't argue with Howie over lingerie. Speaking of which, check this out." He held up a short, black, lacy teddy.

I think that should be a universal maxim.

"I'm not wearing that," Kevin said flatly.

"Duh," AJ said. "It isn't for you."

"*You're* not wearing that," Kevin said.

"Spoilsport."

"It's *women's* *lingerie*," Kevin said. "You are *not* wearing it."

"I bet I'd fill it out better 'n you cou--ow!"

"Be an asshole," Kevin said, "and I'll treat you like one."

"He wasn't this much of a prick when he was male," AJ muttered to Howie as Kevin paid.

"He was married and had a dick," Howie said. "Besides. When's the last time he could possibly have gotten laid?"

AJ thought about that. They all knew Kristen's favorite way to punish Kevin while fighting was to withhold sexual favors. He watched the checker carefully fold matching underwear, and turned an appraising eye to Howie.

"I give it a week," he said.

Howie snorted. "*Nick*," he said. "Five days."

"Fifty bucks?"

"Dinner out."

AJ held out his hand, and Howie shook it.

* * *

"I don't see why I need a dress," Kevin said. He already had four new pairs of jeans, five pairs of slacks that apparently varied from casual to chic to dressy, socks, shoes, and more tops than he had ever owned in all of his years as a guy put together.

"There's gonna be a lot of press," AJ said. "You need to do Nick proud."

"I'm not wearing a dress in *public*!"

"You wore a skirt," Howie said.

"That's different. That was showing outrage at gender inequalities, and expressing my inner femininity."

"Well, now you can express your outer femininity," AJ said cheerfully. He handed Kevin a short black satin dress, A-line with spaghetti straps. "Go try this on."

"And this," Howie said, handing him a long red velvet dress.

Kevin rolled his eyes, but disappeared into the back of the store anyway.

"Do you think sundresses?" AJ asked.

"I'm not sure. They could show off his legs, or they could make him look lanky."

"Hmmm. Well, you look through these. I'm gonna check out the skirt suits. Knowing Kev --"

"Kat," Howie said.

"Kat, he -- she'll want to look smart."

Kevin's voice floated out from the dressing rooms. "Howie!"

"Yes?"

"Can you finish zipping?"

Howie rolled his eyes, and stepped behind the curtain.

"How's it look?" AJ asked.

There was a long moment of silence, then Kevin pulled the curtain back.

AJ swallowed. "Shit."

Howie grinned. "I like Italian," he said.

I just. Okay, thereÕs this picture of Kevin, I had it up in my top 20 Kevin pics but I canÕt link to it at the moment Ōcause my siteÕs being moved. But anyway, thereÕs this picture where heÕs wearing a pinstriped suit, and the jack has one button and goes in at the waist and then flairs out at the hips and he has long hair, and I was just, ŅwhoaŃheÕd be a *gorgeous* woman.Ó And thatÕs what I think of when I try to dress him. So on the one hand, yeah, I need to have knockout!Kevin to make Nick get attracted, but also, you know. I want to show him off.

* * *

The make-over was pretty much like every time in his entire life that people had put make-up on him, although to be fair they were using less of it this time. As punishment, Kevin had made Howie and AJ buy him food, but eventually even AJ got tired, and they dropped him back on Nick's doorstep.

Kevin looked down at his denim skirt and tank top. He wasn't sure this was an image he wanted to project around Nick. For one thing, he felt a lot more comfortable with his role as older brother when he could pretend he looked like a guy. And then, of course, he didn't want to reinforce negative gender stereotypes. Or show off *quite* so much of his stomach.

He rang the doorbell.

I love this whole scene. I could see it in my head before I wrote it out, and I just. I love it to death. Kevin looking gorgeous and not realizing it, too worried about showing skin and his shoes and stuff, Nick totally thunderstruck, and Howie and AJ nudging each other and giggling and plotting how to get the two of them together.

"You'd better look a fuck of a lot bet --" Nick pulled the door open and stared at him. His mouth worked silently through several half-words, finally settling on "Hi." Kevin looked at him suspiciously. There was a hint of drool on his lips.

"Hi," he said. "Go help AJ and Howie with the bags." He shouldered his way past Nick and flopped onto the couch.

"Hi," AJ and Howie said. They grinned, and nudged each other.

"Um," Nick said.

"Alexander!" Kevin called from the living room. His voice was filled with frustration. "I can't get these stupid shoes off!"

"Your girlfriend," AJ said. He and Howie started pulling shopping bags out of the car, while Nick, his face drained of all color, went inside.

Kevin stretched out his legs, dropping his feet in Nick's lap. "Fix," he said. Nick wrapped a gentle hand around his ankle, and started fumbling with the straps.

Oh, that slays me. NickÕs big hands around KevinÕs delicate ankles. Mmmm...

"Some place expensive," Howie whispered.

"I know, Howard."

"I don't want the Olive Garden."

"Have I ever, in my life, ever expressed interest in the Olive Garden?"

"No," Howie said suspiciously, "but when I wanted seafood you took me to Red Lobster."

"Red Lobster is good!" AJ said indignantly. He placed the last shopping bag indoors, and closed the door behind him.

For the record? I adored Red Lobster as a kid. But mostly because they had a make-your-own-sundae bar for children. At least, I *think* that was Red Lobster...

* * *

Until he saw Kevin standing at the door in a tiny skirt, midriff bare, wisps of loose hair framing his face, Nick had pretty much been all right with the whole thing.

It had been a shock, stripping his oldest brother and finding a woman instead, but Nick was nothing if not resourceful, and when all was said and done, it was Kevin, not some girl, and he didn't think he could be attracted to Kevin if his life depended on it. Kevin was cool and all, a good guy to have on his side, and he loved him more than anything, but he was *Kevin*.

Except suddenly he wasn't.

Ah, internal explanationy lack of plotty stuff. Um. This was important to show how Nick is coming into this, and also, just, scenes from life together. And I liked the images, and I wanted to impress them on the audience so you donÕt just sit around thinking Kevin. In his skirt thing. Because itÕs, you know. Different.

Suddenly he had soft, smooth legs, expanses of pale, pale skin, dark hair, and green, green eyes. Suddenly he wore miniskirts and short shorts and sundresses and instead of combat boots he had brown suede lace-ups, with two-inch heels, that he wore all day, that he would tug off at night and then make Nick massage his feet. Suddenly, when he wore boxers and a button-down shirt (stolen, Nick suspected, from *his* closet), with the sleeves rolled up, a pen between his teeth while he went over schedules, it was a whole lot more. Something.

He was still bossy, he still nagged at Nick to clean up, he was still a dork who followed the Wildcats and called the Bucs stupid and denied Nick the right to even be the teensiest bit a Yankee fan based on birthplace, but somehow. Somehow it was different now.

Somehow, when Kat came downstairs to leave for the tour kick-off party, wearing a black satin dress with a slit up one thigh, emerald earrings, and a pendant that lay loose against the hollow of his throat, gold and green on white, creamy skin, somehow he wasn't Kevin at all.

"Wow," Nick said.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Come on," he said. "The sooner the party's over, the sooner I can come back and sleep."

Nick held the door for him, and didn't think of Kat in a t-shirt and boxers, tossing restlessly under cotton sheets, skin flushed with sleep.

"Ready when you are," he said.

* * *

Alicia bounced up to him, her eyes brimming with excitement. "Nick! This is *so* *cool*! Have I told you how cool--oh, hey. I'm Alicia. Who're you?" She held a hand out to Kat.

"Ke-Katherine."

Suddenly conscious of keeping up appearances, Nick rested a hand on Kat's back, just the way Kevin had shown him when teaching them all ballroom. Kat started to shift away, but when Alicia raised an eyebrow, Nick threw caution to the wind and slid his hand all the way around Kat's waist.

Okay, this is a little confusing, I guess, but I wanted to show that when itÕs NickÕs POV, heÕs forced himself to compartmentalize and think of girl!Kevin as Katherine, not Kevin, because thatÕs how he justifies the attraction. ItÕs silly, the difference isnÕt really there, but Nick doesnÕt realize that. He canÕt let himself think that. Because, you know, heÕs *not* gay. Really. He *isnÕt*.

"Cool," Alicia said. "Another girl on tour'll rock." She grinned at Nick, recovering her composure. "This whole *thing* is gonna rock."

Danny came over, slinging an arm across her shoulder and taking a long pull on his beer. "*We* rock," he said unsteadily. He saw Kat, and his eyes widened. "Hey there," he said. "I, uh. I'm Danny."

Nick's eyes narrowed. "This is Kat," he said, pulling her closer, "my girlfriend."

"Hey, man, no problem. I didn't know you had a girl."

"Well, I do."

"Danny," Alicia said, "get me a beer?"

"Sure," he said. He leered at Kat. "Nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy the tour. We rock," he said, and wandered back to the bar.

"Sorry," Alicia said. "He's a lot better when he isn't drunk."

This was kind of subtle, so I donÕt know how many people actually caught it, but there was this whole thing, during NickÕs solo tour, where he kicked Danny out of the band. And this was my little reason behind that. Protecting Kevin.

Pardon me. Katherine.

"People usually are," Kat said.

Nick rubbed a circle on her waist with his thumb.

She had a very soft waist.

* * *

"So how're things going on the tour front?" Brian asked.

Nick shifted the cell to his left hand and took a bite of pizza. "Ktsprtfckkllmnow."

Translation: KatÕs pretty, fucking kill me now.

"Sorry," Brian said, "I think I've lost my full-mouth Nickspeak translation abilities."

Nick swallowed. "What the fuck, man?"

"I know," Brian said. "I suck. So what were you saying about my cousin?" Nick flushed, and swiveled around to make sure the room was clear, even though he knew Alicia had dragged Kat out for a day of girl bonding.

See? Because even though BrianÕs off being married and having a kid and Nick is out on tour and really has hung out with Howie a lot more than Brian lately, BrianÕs still his childhood best friend, his Frick. ItÕs likeŃokay, the people I consider my best friends these days, who really know me as I am now and love me, I think they know me better than anyone and I love them to death and everything. But the fact remains, I go back to NYC and I see my friends from pre-college, the ones IÕve known since birth, or since kindergarten, or whatever, and even though weÕre not as close now and they *donÕt* really know me anymore, theyÕre still. *My* Frick. You know?

"Nick?"

"She's, you know, like, kind of. Pretty? Maybe?" Nick said.

"Nick."

"I know." Nick put the pizza down. "I'm fucked," he said. Then he realized that could be misinterpreted and said, "except, you know, without any of the sex."

He could practically hear Brian's grin over the phone line. "I know."

"It's just," Nick said, "she's always wearing these, like, totally non-existant clothes, you know? And then even when she's wearing actual fabric, and not, like, a bikini or som--Bri?"

The choking noise on the other end of the line finally ground to a halt after about five minutes, and Brian managed to get out, "he's my cousin, Frack."

"He's fucking hot," Nick said.

* * *

Nick was doing a lot of things like coming up behind Kevin and fastening his necklace for him.

It was part of the charade, of course, had to look like Nick's girlfriend, except that Nick was doing it even when they were in private.

It wasn't like they had a huge sense of personal space or anything, or at least, they hadn't, but it had been different, before.

Before, Nick had been bigger than him, but he hadn't felt quite so. large and muscled and it hadn't made Kevin shiver, and Kevin shivering hadn't made Nick wrap him close, a splayed hand on his stomach, and murmur "cold?" in Kevin's ear.

It hadn't made Kevin want to stay there.

This gets me every time I reread it. Because (a) KevinÕs used to doing that to girls himself, without necessarily realizing how it feels for them, and (b) Nick is all, enveloping him with safety and lust and (c) I want that for me. Preferably with Nick. Or Kevin. Or AJ. Or... yeah.

* * *

The curtain call ended, the first concert, and Nick grinned and waved and bowed, jumped up and down, and bounded off-stage, and Kevin was proud and happy and as excited as Nick.

That was his boy out there.

Because heÕs still Kevin.

He hugged Nick tightly, and when Nick picked him up, spun him around, and slowly let go, sliding Kevin down his body, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to wind his arms around Nick's neck and kiss him.

He hardly had time to focus on the softness of Nick's lips, the warmth of his tongue, sweeping Kevin's mouth, shooting sparks through his body, before the wolf whistles penetrated and he pulled away, blushing furiously.

I remember when I was writing this story, and I was whining a lot about how I hate writing sex and I hate writing sexual attraction and itÕs all well and good to do the shy sweet crush-y things, but the actual *sex*, and I had a conversation with and she told me that the best way to write sex and make it work and make it hot is to just delve deeply into one of the characterÕs POV. So thatÕs what I tried to do in this story, and in the Nick epic, and I think it worked really well. So, you know. Thanks, Cal.

"Congratulations," he said, cutting off whatever Nick was about to tell him, and he turned to hug Alicia.

* * *

They were sharing a hotel room.

Of course they were sharing -- he was Nick's girlfriend, right? Why wouldn't they share? Why would Nick think to order a two-room suite, to find a room that had two doubles instead of a queen, to plan ahead in case, say, Kevin made a complete and utter fool of himself and wanted to hide out as far away from Nick as possible?

He'd just have to explain.

He was proud, that was all, happy, happy to see Nick happy, and his head ran away with him, and that was it.

It had nothing to do with the way Nick's shirt clung to his chest, the cut of his biceps, the sparkle in his eyes, his goofy, gorgeous grin. The thought of those lips on Kevin's shoulder, neck, mouth. That tongue, tracing the freckles on his back. Those hands, stroking his cheek, his thigh.

"Kat," Nick said, closed the distance between them.

He stepped backwards, opened his mouth to say his name was, Kevin, but Nick's palm curled around his waist, pulled him close; he dipped his head and tilted Kevin's chin, and walked him towards the bed.

"Kat," he murmured, lips vibrating against Kevin's, and oh, oh, the sheets were soft, and Nick was strong, and his thumb brushed Kevin's cheekbone, and Kevin gave in.

This story is very much about surrender, about recognizing other parts of you through giving up on pre-conceived notions.

Thanks, Cal. =)

* * *

"Nick," he said, "Nick."

Nick pressed a warm hand to his stomach, holding him still, and lowered his head. Kevin ran his foot over Nick's shoulder, down his back, and his other foot grasped the sheets, long, long legs, and Nick's skin and hand, against his own skin, and a rolling heat built up inside him, higher, the sheets dampening with his sweat.

"Nick."

Nick smiled, crawled up the bed, kissed him, and it was just like kissing Kris after a blowjob, tasted just exactly like, except that Nick was warm velvet mouth and strong arms holding him close, a hand running down his back, bigger, encasing him, and it was nothing like Kristen at all. He arched forward, cupping Nick's cheeks, his arms sliding down Nick's chest, slippery, and there was a brief flash of pain, a halting breath, then he shifted his legs, and Nick was kissing him, holding him, stroking him, inside him, deeper, deeper.

"Nick," he said.

Two things: (1) Yeah. The POV thing really works. (2) This is the first instance of the phrase Ņit was just likeÓ and itÕs almost immediately repeated, Ņjust exactly likeÓ. I thought that was very important, that it is, itÕs the same, male/female, female/female, male/male, itÕs sex, and itÕs an expression of attraction/love, and all Kevin and Nick have to do is surrender their pre-conceived ideas of what sex should be for them, and itÕs all good. Of course, Kevin gets it a lot earlier than Nick does, since itÕs Kevin whoÕs having sex with a man. (I mean, Nick is too, but Nick can get away with pretending KevinÕs a woman, whereas Kevin pretty much has to acknowledge NickÕs a guy.)

Also, this image, the opening paragraph of the story, and the last kiss towards the end, not the very last scene but either the second or third to last, they were pretty much formed in my head when I sat down to write the story. I just loved the picture ofŃyou know, Kevin, Kevin has really long legs. So of course what you do is hook one over NickÕs shoulder. Cause, you know. That would be hot.

* * *

"Oh. Oh, this is fucking great."

Kevin groaned. He *hated* getting up early. Especially when he was warm, and comfortable, curled up against another body, and AJ ought to fucking go away and leave him alone, and why was AJ there anyway?

"Hey man." Nick sat up, displacing Kevin, which made him even more unhappy. Nick's chest was a very nice pillow.

"This is just great, Nick."

Kevin buried his face in the mattress. "Go 'way."

Nick petted his back, and pulled the covers over him, which was nice. Warm. "Dude, what's your problem?"

"What's my *problem*?"

"Go *'way*!"

"My *problem*," AJ said, and Kevin didn't think his voice could *possibly* be more grating, "is that I come to see you off on your tour, and instead of a bouncy, happy solo artist, I find a bouncy, happy solo artist who just. fucked. Kevin."

Actually, AJÕs problem is that this means Howie won the bet, but heÕs justifying that through coming up with other points to argue. And heÕs not exactly wrong, except that itÕs *not* really rebound, really, because itÕs Nick, and NickÕs been there nearly as long as Kristen, and is at least as important in KevinÕs life. If anyone could swoop in right after the divorce and still have a real, meaningful relationship, it would be one of the Boys. But mostly, AJÕs pissed because this means Howie won the bet.

"Katherine," Nick said. Kevin grumbled, and snuggled underneath his arm.

See, here NickÕs reinforcing that he didnÕt fuck Kevin, he fucked Katherine. A woman. Kevin is grumbling because no, hello, still Kevin here, but heÕs too tired to say anything.

"Whatever. He's not really supposed to be your girlfriend."

"Why not? Why can't we be together if we want to?"

"Because!" AJ sat on the foot of the bed. "Because he just got divorced. And on top of that, he just turned into a woman *six* days ago. You fucked a girl who'd only been a girl for *five* *days*. That's not exactly thinking clearly, Nick."

Nick crossed his arms. Before he could tell AJ off, Kevin reached up, pulling his arm back down again. He sighed, and stroked Kevin's hair.

"What are you gonna do when he turns back?" AJ said, his voice gentling as he watched them. "Look at him, Nick. He's just lost his wife. You realize he's gonna latch on to you, right? Put you in her place. And maybe that's fine right now, when he's all hot and chesty, but what about when he has a dick and no bra? What are you gonna do then?"

"We'll figure it out," Nick said.

It wasn't exactly what Kevin wanted to hear, but it was close enough. He smiled sleepily, and pressed a kiss to Nick's side.

"You know Brian's gonna kick your ass."

"Not if you don't tell him."

"No," AJ said slowly. "I guess I don't have to tell anyone."

Ah, AJ. Manipulation is thy middle name. That, and James.

"What do you want?" Nick asked.

"McDonald's, a new cowboy hat, and the right to say I told you so when it all goes to hell in a handbasket."

"Let us get dressed, and we'll go buy you some fast food."

"Now, just to be clear, this means no Brian *and* no Howie, right?"

"Duh," Nick said. "Like Howie would keep it secret.

* * *

"What do you *mean*, I can't get in on the bet?"

Howie shrugged, and stirred his soup. "I'm sorry," he said, "but my time is up, and you know how competitive AJ is. He won, man, he's not gonna bet with you all over again."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me in the first place."

"I know," Howie said. "I feel awful. How's Leigh?"

I love that Brian is all pissy about not being included. IÕm not sure how much sense the scene makes (I think originally I had it someplace else) but anyway. HeÕs all, hey! Me too! And Howie is all, blah blah howÕs the wife? Refocus attention elsewhere. It doesnÕt quite fit since itÕs the only scene not in either Nick or Kevin POV, but it amuses me, so I left it in. So there.

* * *

Kat was beautiful. She was beautiful, and sexy, and when Nick pulled her onto his lap backstage, she laughed and rubbed her nose against his ear.

Alicia called them the cutest thing since Joey and Dawson. Alicia was a little in need of help sometimes, because Pacey was *so* better for Joey than *Dawson*, but with Kat feathering kisses along his jawline, Nick found it hard to argue, or even put a coherent thought together.

Okay, first of all, Nick is right, and anyone who says Dawson/Joey is stupid and should die.

Second of all, I just thought, you know, *of course* Nick would get addicted to DawsonÕs Creek. ItÕs crack. And heÕs traveling a lot and maybe too tired to go out and party all the time so he turns on the hotel TV and there it is, and itÕs addictive. I remember spending two weeks in England with my family and not even watching TV every day but by the time we came home I was completely despondent because I couldnÕt get East Enders in the States...

It wasn't just around the band, either. Kat seemed, suddenly, to feel free to come on to him any time, anywhere.

He wasn't arguing -- it was the best sex of his *life*, not to mention a much better relationship than Mandy -- it was just that it was hard to concentrate on Howie, when there was a warm tongue swiping the underside of his cock, and oh, God, a hot, wet mouth and cool nails pressing into his thighs and deep alto humming against his skin, and oh, oh, "Gotta go", and he hung up quickly before Howie could hear him come, and tangled his hands in Kat's hair, the strands winding around his fingers, and the swirl of her tongue sent him over the edge.

After, Kat leaned on his thighs and lifted her face and he kissed her, tasting her lips, the salty tartness of himself coating the roof of her mouth.

He pinned her beneath him on the bed, licked the inside of her wrist, her bellybutton, the back of her knee.

"Nick," she said, restless, "Nick, please."

"Mmm," he said, licked a little higher.

repeat after me: Thanks, Cal.

* * *

Howie found out in LA, when he came to watch the show and walked in on them having sex in Nick's dressing room.

Before, if he'd been having sex with Kris and someone interrupted, he would've laughed it off, mostly, been embarrassed on her behalf, but it wouldn't've been a big deal.

Now, though. Now he found it hard to look Howie in the eye, or even Nick, and he pulled Nick's jacket tighter around his shoulders, and wished they'd fucking get to the hotel already so he could shower. At least he hadn't been awake, really, for AJ.

Nick rubbed his shoulder, and it occurred to Kevin that Nick was doing a lot of that, lately, watching out for him. It was weird, because that had been Kevin's job for so long, but it was weird in a good way. He was tired of always taking charge, rushing into battle, protecting his boys. His wife.

He scrunched down in the seat, slumping against Nick, and even after Howie told them they were adorable, he didn't move his hand from where it lay on Nick's leg, smoothing over the crease in his pants.

Several things here. First, the modesty of a woman intruding into KevinÕs previously macho lifeŃthat this is private, and his body is private, and also, you know, itÕs weird, being a woman with the guys. Once he couldÕve walked around naked and whatever, but now, even knowing HowieÕs gay, itÕs just. ItÕs *different*. (Also, it comments on his relationship with Kristen, that heÕd laugh of people walking in...) Second, it shows Nick taking charge, and Kevin letting him and just concentrating on being. Third, the sweetness! Nick lends him his jacket, and he just curls into NickÕs side and plays with his pant leg and is all shy and cute and. Sweetness!

* * *

Somehow, clubs were less fun now.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the dancing, because he did, male or female, loved snaking around people, skin rippling in time to the buzz of the speakers, but somehow, now, it was different.

Partly it was that there were a million douche-bag hos twining themselves around Nick, shoving breasts and asses and non-existant outfits in his face, and partly it was that when other men tried to dance with him Nick would glare over and make them disappear, but no amount of glaring on Kevin's part seemed to get rid of his passel o' whores.

Glaring in general seemed less effective now.

That could have been the alcohol coursing through his system, but he'd only had a couple of shots and one beer chaser.

He was still sober enough to recognize Chris Kirkpatrick when he saw him, which was a vast improvement over last years Grammy after-party, which thank God, Kris had never found out about, although that didn't matter anymore. But Nick didn't know, which was good. Very, very good. He took another sip of beer, grateful the barstool was so diligent about keeping him upright.

"Hey there."

There was that voice, sending a shiver down his spine, although that could have been the brush of air against his neck, and okay, so maybe he remembered more of Chris than he'd thought.

"Hey," he said, turning. "Hi."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "I'm Chris," he prompted.

Kevin blushed. "Oh! Oh, um. K-Katherine. Kat. I'm dating," he added, totally irrelevantly, except that hey, Chris was stroking his palm, and he snatched it away. "Nick Carter," he said. "I'm dating Nick Carter."

Kevin/Chris! I was so about Chris/BSB at this time. Ōcause I was moving completely towards the Backstreet side of the fandom but I will always, always be a Chris girl. So I justified it by inserting a little Chris into my Backstreet story.

"Nick's a lucky man, Kat."

Kevin shrugged, his eyes on the sea of skankiness surrounding his boyfriend. "He won't be if he keeps this up," he muttered.

Chris laughed. "A guy could get to like you," he said.

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Not at all. Scout's honor."

"You weren't in the Scouts."

"No, but I bet you were." Chris sipped his drink -- Red Bull and vodka, probably, if his habits hadn't changed since the Grammys. "How's your cousin?" he asked. "I heard he had the baby?"

Kevin nodded. "Seven pounds --" He stared at Chris, eyes widening. "I mean. Um."

"Relax," Chris said quietly, firmly. "No one would believe me if I told them."

"You won't," Kevin said, recovering his composure. "Trust me. You *really* don't want to."

Chris watched him weave through the crowd, elbowing girls out of the way and wrapping himself around Nick. He raised his drink, saluting.

"Justin was right." He drained the glass. "You are a pretty motherfucker."

I just had to get that little quote in. Because! Real life JuKe! And, you know. He is.

* * *

Nicholas Jerald Littrell (Nicholas because, when all was said and done, Nick was still Brian's best friend) came into the world with ten fingers, ten toes, and, what Kevin was most grateful for, his mother's heart.

They had to wait to see him until after he was home from the hospital, so as to avoid family members who might recognize Kevin, but it was worth it, holding the baby in his arms.

He curled up on the couch, brushed Nicky's cheek with one finger, and whispered "hi."

"I'm your Uncle Kevin," he said. "I know, I may not look very uncle right now, but I am, Nicky. And I'm gonna take such good care of you, you'll see. You may not know it yet, but the people you were named after, they're --" He swallowed. "They're good men, Nicky, men you should be proud to be like, b-both of them. Now, you're gonna learn that about Uncle Nick yourself, as you grow up and get to know him, but your Great-Uncle Jerald, he can't be here. He's looking down on you, though, I know he is, taking care of you and watching you and loving you just as much as if he were the one holding you right now instead of me."

Nicky looked up at him, eyes wide, and Kevin kissed his forehead. He'd wanted this, wanted it so badly. "Not yet," Kris had told him, over and over, "not yet, later," until it was too late, and there was no later to reach.

I know Kevin has stated publicly that he and Kris decided not to have children at this point in their lives because of their careers, and you know, far be it from me to say theyÕre wrong, itÕs their lives. I just happen to think Kevin would be an *excellent* father.

Nick leaned over his shoulder and slipped a finger into Nicky's fist, just as rapt as the baby who watched him.

Kevin smiled painfully and thought it could all change, at any moment, he could switch back. He kissed Nick's cheek, Nicky's toes, and thought Maybe I don't want to.

Which of course, is the end of thatŃonce he accepts himself as he is, his body switches back. Because itÕs about emotional growth. Also, because I love to torture him.

* * *

Nick loved waking up in the morning, now that he had Kat. Kat, who hated waking up at any time, ever, who twined herself around Nick, grumbling, who pulled him closer and murmured unintelligable nothings against his neck.

He loved the feel of her skin, soft and smooth against his own. He loved her legs tangled in his, and the way her toes would stroke his calf, whether she was conscious or not, and how her face fit against his collarbone, the light scratch of stubble --

He rolled out of bed, landing on the floor with a thump loud enough that it woke up Kevin.

There he was again, hair mussed, peering at Nick, voice rough with sleep. "Nick? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Nick said, looking anywhere but at Kevin. And there were his boxers, shoved under the bed after last night's se -- he pulled them on. "Welcome back," he said, and ran to the bathroom to hurl.

Oh, Nicky. *smacks him*

* * *

AJ and Howie looked up when Brian entered the room, their eyes hopeful.

"He's singing Hank Williams now."

Howie stared. "Hank Williams?"

"He always sings Hank Williams when he's upset."

"No he doesn't," AJ said.

Brian snorted. "You haven't seen him upset."

"I think I -- "

"When Uncle Jerald died, he spent two months singing Honky-Tonk Blues."

"Two months?" Howie said.

"Yeah. Then he moved on. To Take These Chains From My Heart."

"What's he singing now?" AJ asked.

"Cold, Cold Heart."

Partly I was amused by this image, and partly I was just in love with my Hank Williams CD at the time of writing. I have an image, by the way, of Kevin and Britney from ŅWe Loved Each Other WellÓ dancing around the room to ŅHey, Good LookinÕ.Ó *waves arms*

"Fuck." AJ slumped in his chair and poked Howie with his foot. "This is all your fault," he said. "You and your matching underwear."

"*Me*? You were the one who made him buy that black dress -- like Nick could resist *that*."

"At least *I* didn't try to push a recently divorced man into a relationship with one of his best friends 5 days after an unwanted sex change!"

"You said it took a week!"

And the truth about the bet comes out. Just a moment of humor to lighten up the whole utter depression of Nick freaking out and Kevin holing himself up indoors and singing sad country music.

"Guys?"

"Of course it didn't take a week! You bought him *matching* *underwear*!"

"Guys."

"I also bought *you* dinner!"

"*Guys*!"

Howie flushed. "*Olive* Garden," he said sulkily, but Brian glared at him so he shut up.

Because of *course* AJ would make Howie take him there once Howie had indicated he hated it.

Also, I remember some meta-fic story where *nsync finds fanfic on-line and they laugh over how they take the five Mary-Sues to Olive Garden, like they canÕt afford something better. But, you know, AJ, heÕs not an upscale French Restaurant kind of a guy.

"You two fighting isn't going to turn Nick gay or get Kevin interested in anything other than singing Hank Williams' greatest hits and holding my son."

"He's a very cute son," AJ said.

Howie hit him.

"I'm just sayin'."

BABY! Boys with BABY!

"*Not* the point."

"Okay," Brian said. "Here's the deal. I'm going to pry Nicky from his uncle's arms. AJ, you talk to Kevin about women, breasts, sex, whatever. Get him onto Kristin and see if that opens the floodgates about Nick, too. Just in case that doesn't work, Howie, you go gay Nick."

I love that line.

Howie rolled his eyes. "You can't just go turn someone -- "

"I don't have to," Brian said. "You do."

AJ raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"How come we have the hard jobs and you get the baby?"

"Because you didn't let me in on the bet," Brian said. "Besides," he added grimly, "if Howie fails, *I'll* knock some sense into Nick."

Because, when all was said and done, Nick was still Brian's best friend. But Kevin was his cousin.

* * *

"You know you need and want my love yet you're afraid to try..."

"Kevin," AJ said patiently.

"Why do you run and hide from life, to try it just ain't smart..."

"Kev."

"Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heaaaaart?"

"Yo, Richardson!"

"I'm busy."

"You're not busy," AJ said. He plopped next to Kevin on the couch and grabbed the tv remote from his hands. "You're wallowing."

Kevin sniffed haughtily. "Even if I were, which I'm not, I'd be allowed."

AJ stopped on The Golden Girls. "You've been wallowing for a week and a half now," he said. On screen, Sophia poked Dorothy with a cane.

That was thrown in for the Sandies.

"He threw up."

"What?"

"He looked at me, fell out of bed, and ran to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach."

"Ouch."

Kevin took the remote back. "He didn't even make it to the toilet," he said, and returned to infomercials.

"Okay," AJ said, "that's bad, I admit. But Kevin? Why does watching half-hour commericals about dicing slicing ricing machines help more than Blanche's romantic travails?"

"Because," Kevin said, "it also makes Julienne fries."

"You don't like Julienne fries."

"I'm not planning to use it on potatoes."

AJ shifted subtly away from him. "Go back to singing Hank," he said.

Kevin opened his mouth, paused, and turned to look at AJ. "Why?" he asked.

"Yours is not to question why. Yours is just to. um. sing."

"You don't like Hank Williams."

"No," AJ said, "but I like you singing Hank Williams better than I like you thinking about turning Nick into little crinkly french fries."

"He deserves it," Kevin said. "I wonder where Uncle Harold keeps his shotgun."

"Okay," AJ said. "You're starting to scare me here."

Kevin snorted. "You were already frightened when you walked in the room."

"Aw," AJ said. "I'm touched. I didn't think you'd noticed."

"Okay," Kevin said decisively.

"Okay?"

"Okay, I'm done wallowing."

"Wow," AJ said, "I'm good."

"I'm ready to wallow with beer." Kevin glanced at AJ. "You'd better stay here," he said. "Sometimes a man needs to wallow with beer alone."

"Oh, don't worry," AJ said. "I'll let you wallow with beer without me." He leaned over the back of the couch, craning his neck towards the back of the house, and shouted, "*Brian*!"

Kevin scowled. "Squealer," he said.

I love that whole scene. The interaction, and the taking care of each other, and even in this huge pit of depression and anger, Kevin wonÕt drink in front of AJ.

Oprah! *takes a shot*

* * *

Brian told Kevin he wasn't allowed to go get drunk.

"Abusing alcohol is no way to remove your problems. Isn't that right, Aje?"

"Huh?"

"Stop showing my son The Golden Girls and tell Kevin he isn't allowed to abuse alcohol."

"Alcohol bad," AJ said. "That's Rose. She's stupid, but it's funn -- ow!"

"Tell Kevin he isn't allowed to abuse alcohol."

"You're not allowed to abuse alcohol," AJ said. He kissed the top of Nicky's head and whispered, "that one's Blanche. She's a ho, but I'll teach you about that later." Nicky gurgled happily.

"Fine," Kevin said. "I'll abuse Nick instead. AJ, what's the number for that dicer/slicer/ricer/fry thing?"

"1-800-I'm-not-telling-you," AJ said, and, "ow!" He rubbed his arm resentfully. "I see you didn't leave PMS behind with the rack."

"You suck," Kevin said. "Gimme my nephew."

"No." AJ cuddled Nicky closer. "You've been hogging him."

"At least I didn't make him watch bad TV."

"Golden Girls isn't bad," AJ said indignantly. "It's pure comedic genius."

"Right," Kevin said, "I'm moving home."

Brian held the door for him, then went back inside and sat next to AJ. "Good job," he said. "You can change the channel now."

AJ glared. "My TV."

"Actually -- "

"Mine."

"At least give me my chi -- "

AJ growled.

"Someday," Brian said, "y'all'll have your own kids. And I'll have my own life. And family. And television set."

Nicky spit up on AJ's hand. AJ reached for the burp cloth, totally unfazed by something that, had anyone else done it, would have had him hunched over a toilet from abject horror. "Aren't we the cutest little baby ever?" he cooed in a register normally reserved for Howie's falsetto. "Yes," he said. "Yes we are. We *are*!"

"Someday," Brian said. "When you're dead."

BABY!

* * *

"We have to stop meeting like this."

Kevin turned on his stool. Two Chris Kirkpatricks stood behind him, grinning.

"Hi," he said. "Go away."

"What? No open arms? No snark? No my boyband is better than your boyband?"

"*'M* better," Kevin said. "So there."

Chris clapped him on the back, sitting one stool over. "That's my favorite Kevin Richardson," he said.

"Oh." Kevin looked around. "Are there more of me, too?"

See, again, metaphorically, there's only one Kevin, because he's reunited himself.

"Oh, man. You are trashed."

"Am not." He squinted at his glass. There was a drop, way down at the bottom. "'S not polite," he said.

"Fine." Chris rolled his eyes and adopted an exaggerated British accent. "You're a few sheets to the wind, old chap."

"There's no wind. 'M indoors. I think."

"Let me guess. Nick, it turns out, is strictly straight?"

"Shut up," Kevin said.

"If that's the best you can do, you really *are* in a sad state. I better call Brian."

"No! I mean. He's in Atlanta."

"I know," Chris said, "but bandmates like to keep tabs on each other anyway, no?"

"No." Kevin shook his head fervently.

Chris grinned. "You're not supposed to be here, are you?

"Wha?"

"You're supposed to be at home, like a good boy. You snuck out."

"Not sneaking," Kevin said. "Drinking. See?" He licked the rim of his glass. "Drink," he said.

"Yes," Chris said. "I see. Wouldn't you rather have sex, though? Lots more fun, and no nasty hangover."

"Can't have sex. Nick said -- oh."

"You could sound a tad more enthusia -- oof." Chris wrapped an arm around Kevin's waist. "I'm afraid I can't carry you, big boy. Think you can make it to my car, or are you too drunk?"

Kevin licked his neck. "Sober," he said.

"Oh, totally," Chris said. "Because you'd absolutely fuck Nick over if you were."

"Not fucking Nick." The other Chris' earlobe was enticing, soft and pierced and waiting to be toyed with. Kevin bit it, swirling his tongue around the metal hoops. "Fucking you," he said, and stumbled towards the door.

He'd always wanted to try a threesome.

Yeah, so, this whole thing was just an excuse for Kevin/Chris. But itÕs also a wake up call for Kevin! Really! I mean it!

* * *

The first thing Kevin did in the morning was shower.

Chris had cleared out the night before, which was really pretty decent of him, all things considered.

If they'd gone to Chris' place, Kevin wasn't sure he would've had the willpower to leave, what with the possibility, slim thought it might be, of sex again in the morning.

It had been really good sex.

He scrubbed at his skin, chastizing himself for being a girl when, hello, male again, but it did no good.

No matter how much he scrubbed, he could still feel Chris where Nick was supposed to be.

See? Because dammit it, he loves Nick, and Nick has to just fucking love him back, goddamnit. Because he says so.

And so do I.

* * *

Howie kissed him.

He kissed him, and all Nick could think was, oh, tongue.

Howie pressed against him, cupped his groin, kissed him, and it was nice, it was good, except it wasn't, at all, because it was Howie.

This was so, clinical. And I wanted it to be like that, to show that, you know, itÕs not. The attraction/hotness/relationshippy stuff, thatÕs important.

Nick pushed him away.

"I can't," he said.

"Nick -- "

"No. I know, you were, you know, making a point, but, I can't. And it's not, it's not what you think, it's not." He ran a hand through his hair. "He's Kevin," he said, like that explained it all.

It did.

Yeah, I donÕt remember what I was trying to say here. Except, oh! So, Nick still has it all compartmentalized in his head, Kevin and Kat and never the twain shall meet.

Really, NickÕs kind of dumb sometimes.

* * *

Nick was in New York, a TRL appearance and a couple of concerts, and nobody was expecting him, no one had seen him in months, so it was easy to slip inside the hotel unnoticed, to charm a keycard off the concierge and find Nick's room, and wait.

He looked good.

He was tall and sunny, golden. He was buttery skin that Kevin wanted to lick, buttery skin sinking into black tattooes, warm salty buttery skin he remembered. He'd traced that skin, memorized it, every inch, learned it over and over again.

Kevin swallowed. "We need to talk," he said.

* * *

He sat next to Kevin, reached for him, then pulled his hand away. He remembered the feel of that hand in his, only it wasn't that hand, not exactly, it was different, it was more. It was. He shook his head. "I don't know what to say."

"I just." Kevin stared at his lap, and Nick ached to rub his back, to soothe, to. something. "I want you to know what you're doing here. Because I'm the same person. I haven't changed."

"Um," Nick said.

"Did you really think. It was me in that body, Nick. The whole time, it was me."

He bit his cheek. "It's different," he said. "I can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I mean I can't. Not." Nick looked away. "Not with you," he said.

"Not with." Kevin stood, suddenly, his hand beginning to tremble. "Not with me?" he said. "What the fuck do you think you've been doing this whole time? *Who* the fuck do you think you've been doing?"

"It's different," Nick snapped. "It's *different*!"

* * *

"It's exactly the same fucking thing," Kevin growled.

Yeah, IÕm not quite sure the scene change works here, but I needed the previous bit to be Nick POV and this bit to be Kevin. And Kevin getting angry (and Nick getting angry) and breaking down NickÕs stupid walls.

"How?" Nick said, eyes flashing.

"It's me," he said, and pushed Nick against the wall. Part of him winced when he heard the slam of Nick's back on the brick, but he was too busy pushing, sliding down, tugging at Nick's zipper.

His cock hardened just the same in Kevin's mouth, felt just the same in his hands, he whimpered the same, fingers tangling in Kevin's hair just like always. Just like before.

See, because it is the same, for Kevin, but itÕs also *really* the same for Nick, if he can just give in and admit it.

"Kat," he moaned, and Kevin yanked his head back, leaving Nick exposed to the open air.

"Say my name," he snarled.

"W-what?" Nick blinked, still not there, and Kevin remembered that feeling, it was just the same, blowjob or eating out, the same euphoria and the shock of being pulled back without release --

"Say my *fucking* name!"

"Kevin," Nick said, moaned it when Kevin swallowed him whole, swallowed him down, and kept on swallowing.

"Kevin," and his voice, low and sated, his hand on Kevin's cheek, just the same.

"Kevin," he said, and kissed him.

Just the same.

And there you go. The curtain closes, and Nick and Kevin live happily ever after, and Howie makes AJ take him out to eat, and Brian eventually gets his baby back.

BABY!